Reflecting on 2010

New Year’s Eve is just a few days away and like most people, I can’t help reflecting on the year and looking toward 2011. On last NYE, I never could have predicted what a wild, fun, happy and exciting year I would have, but I guess that is the way life is. You can plan, predict, make resolutions and hope for things, but life can be unpredictable and surprising in so many ways.

We all know how this year started with a kidney stone and ended with an extremely rare throat infection and hospital stay, and there are a few things that haven’t changed a bit, but this past year has been amazing for me. I’ve accomplished a lot, tried new things, laughed a lot and learned a ton about myself in the process.

I’m thinking a lot about what the next year might hold and can’t wait to share my 2011 wish list with you guys…. stay tuned!

I hope you all have a safe and happy new year! 

Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas

Christmas kind of snuck up on me this year. I knew this would happen seeing as I was out of commission for the month of November. Nevertheless, I am loving this time of year. I always have and always will. I have so many wonderful memories of Christmas growing up with my family and I love the traditions we keep and the memories we continue to make each year.

I've always been really into Christmas. We wouldn't even be finished with Thanksgiving dinner and I was the kid asking when we could put the Christmas tree up. In high school, I worked at a year-round Christmas store. I spent the year lighting and decorating trees, listening to Christmas music and stocking ornaments and Christmas villages. I loved every minute. I love it when one of the local radio stations starts to play nothing but Christmas tunes and wear I my Santa hat while I do my Christmas shopping.

My favorite part of Christmas is the traditions. For as long as I can remember, my siblings and I have done a secret Santa gift exchange. The thing is, it never ends up being secret because someone inevitably slips and then next thing you know, everyone knows who had them. It never fails, but it's one of those things that I love about us. Another tradition that we've started in the last few years is having a girls cookie day before Christmas each year. Sometimes it is my mom, sisters, aunts and I. Other times, like this year, it is just my mom and I. We each pick a new or favorite cookie recipe and spend the day baking and gossiping and giggling. This year, I made Snickers Stuffed Brownie Chunk Peanut Butter Cookies...and it was a huge success! I got the recipe from a fantastic blog I follow, A Whisk and A Prayer. Check it out...she posts some great recipes and was totally right when she said these cookies were life changing.

The best part of Christmas in my family is that it's not about the gifts. Sure, my parents still ask us to make Christmas lists, which become more boring every year as we get older (this year I asked for pots and pans). We still do stockings for my parents and get them a few gifts. But when I look back at Christmas over the years, I'm not reminiscing about the gifts we got or gave. I'm remembering the moments...the wonderful memories I made with these amazing people.

I try to always appreciate the wonderful life and family that I have, but the holidays always make me extra emotional and appreciative for all the blessings in my life. I hope you all enjoy the holidays with the people that mean the most to you.

Merry Christmas!

Finding Harmony

Being on eHarmony has been relatively unsuccessful for me. Have I met people? Yes. Have I started a relationship with any of those people? Yes. Have I enjoyed the process? Sure. But the most important question is, am I in a relationship now with any of those people? Nope.

After recently realizing that I have been on eHarmony for a year now, off and on, I decided that when my membership expires in February, I will close my account for good no matter what happens in the next few months. It’s not that I am bitter about my lack of success, just that I think it has served it’s purpose in other ways and that maybe some people aren’t meant to meet the love of their life this way.

To be honest, I have actually really enjoyed the experience. Sure, it brought a little bit of heartache and some awkward, nightmarish dates, but I wouldn’t regret any of it, not even for a minute.

By joining eHarmony, I was able to see that there are great guys out there, I got back into the dating world and learned a lot in the process. I’d say one of the biggest things eHarmony did for me was help me become more aware of not only what I have to offer, but also what I am looking for in a relationship, in a person.

I now know what I can and will compromise on and what I simply won’t settle for. I won’t settle for having to convince myself that someone feels how I feel about him. I won’t settle for someone who doesn’t know how to communicate his feelings. I’ve learned to trust my instincts. You can’t create a spark, no matter how much you want it to be there with someone. I’m more aware of what I have to offer someone. Please don’t mistake this for arrogance, but I know I am a great person, I know I am beautiful inside and out (even if sometimes I don’t feel that way), I know that I have lots of love to give and that I deserve that in return. It’s taken me quite some time to find this self-confidence and awareness, but I honestly don’t think I would find the right person without it.

So maybe I haven’t found the love of my life on the World Wide Web. I’m single with no real prospects right now. I don’t know what’s next in my dating life and I’m okay with that. I do know that when the time is right, I will meet someone special and I will be ready to love him. 

It’s the Simple Things in Life

I’ve always been a fan of the simple things in life. Whether it be a small victory like finding something I thought I lost, or sitting in Starbucks drinking a nonfat white mocha writing these blog posts, laughing until I cry, reading a really good book, or sitting in my dark living room watching TV, the only light coming from the lights on my cute little Christmas tree, I experience overwhelming enthusiasm and happiness in these moments.

I’d like to say that my recent health scare spurred all this on, but I’ve been this way for as long as I can remember, though this year it has probably intensified. It’s something I get teased about by friends and family, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Some people require so much to make them even the slightest bit happy. They need big, extravagant things or huge, breathtaking moments to make them feel as genuinely happy as I feel when I am talking to my sister on the phone and hear my niece and nephew saying hi to me in the background.

I kind of feel like we are always in such a rush, so focused on our day-to-day lives that we let the simple things pass by without much notice. People might be happier if they savored some of these small moments in life.

What are your simplest pleasures?

The Firefighter

I never meant to be the one to let you down, if anything I saw myself going first

I didn’t know how to stick around, how to see anybody but me be getting’ hurt

I met a firefighter on eHarmony and dated him for about a month. Insert jokes here about sliding down his pole and him putting out my fire.

For the first time in a long time, I was the one to disappoint someone. I did the dumping. I was the one who wasn’t falling for someone. I was so used to being on the other end of a breakup, the one who would have done anything to make things work, that I had no idea how to deal with it when I realized something was missing.

When I first met The Firefighter, I knew he wasn’t the image I had in my head of the person I wanted to be with, but I was attracted to him and we spent two hours drinking wine on the patio of one of my favorite restaurants and getting to know each other. I was pleasantly surprised by well it had gone considering my track record of eHarmony dates. We started seeing each other pretty regularly and I had a guard up from the very start.

If you know me at all, you know that I am not that person. I don’t hide my emotions, I can’t play games, and I don’t ever have a guard up, which is sometimes my downfall. My mom and I had me convinced that I was just being cautious after getting my heart broken by The Rocket Scientist and I did enjoy The Firefighter’s company, so I figured it wouldn’t hurt to see where things went.

As strange as this sounds, I wasn’t used to dating someone who lived so close to me. It was nice to be with someone I could visit at work, who could bring wine over when I had a bad day at work and take me to a movie in the middle of the week.

I knew from the beginning we weren’t on the same page as far as feelings go. It was inevitable that he would be ready to make things official, and when he was I told him I wasn’t ready. Again, I’m not that person. If I like someone and want to be with him, I can’t wait to become his girlfriend. I was starting to think the “guard” I had convinced myself of had more to do with the fact that something was missing…chemistry, a spark….I can’t pinpoint exactly what it was. I was used to being in his position, being sure of what I wanted, ready to make a commitment. I didn’t know how I felt or even how to figure it out.

After seeing each other for a few weeks, we spent the day together at Sea World one Saturday. It was such a fun day, but several times throughout the day, my mind would drift away and next thing I knew I felt like crying. I realized I was trying to force things. I knew what a great guy he was and loved the way he treated me. I could tell he really liked me and would be a great boyfriend. Because of all these things, I had been trying to ignore the lack of passion, the spark that was missing. I have been in love before, I’ve fallen for someone so hard that when things when south I was devastated. I was so confused with everything, but I knew what I was looking for and this wasn’t it.

As I told you when I started this blog, this year I became the type of person who spoke my mind, the type of person who spoke up even when it was awkward or maybe a little mean. I couldn’t let him drop me off that night without him knowing that I was feeling confused. I should’ve ended things right there, but wasn’t ready to let a great guy walk away because I couldn’t figure out how I felt. I told him I wouldn’t be going away with him the next weekend like we had planned and that I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do but that I wanted him to know where my head was.

Soon after this is when I got extremely sick and with all the time I spent lying awake in bed, I had lots fot time to think and I decided it was really time to put an end to this. We both deserve someone we are crazy about and who is just as crazy about us. I didn’t want him to waste another minute thinking about me. Unfortunately, my plan of talking to him about this in person, something I think is so very important didn’t work out and I ended things via text message. I had been so sick and the day before I headed to the hospital, I was so miserable I couldn’t function. He had been texting a lot, asking how I was feeling, asking when he’d see me again…I just couldn’t take it. I feel bad now but at the time, I told him to please back off and that I would let him know when I was feeling better. He got mad and ended up asking if I wanted things to work out between us or not, and I just had to tell him and get it over with. I had told him from the get-go that I despised serious conversations on Facebook and via text. He repeatedly ignored that by trying to talk about our relationship through these avenues and I couldn’t put it off anymore.

I didn’t get to handle things the way I wanted, but I know I did the right thing by ending it. Being on this side of a breakup, it’s still disappointing, just in different ways than I’m used to. The disappointment comes from wanting to feel something, wanting to feel how they feel and just not being able to get yourself there. Lessons learned: feelings can’t be forced. Yes, it can take time for things to develop and for feelings to grow, but you have to trust your instincts and know when to fold.

I truly wish him nothing but the best.

Where I've Been...

To my 5 loyal followers:

I am so very sorry for depriving you of my random stories for the past few weeks. What started out as a sore throat quickly turned into me in the hospital for two weeks with all kinds of issues. Basically, I was diagnosed with Lemierre’s Syndrome, which is extremely rare, as in only 160 people have been diagnosed with it over the last 100 years. Crazy, I know. Top that off with a blood clot (Deep Vein Thrombosis) in my throat and you end up with a really miserable November.

I’m happy to say that I am back home and still on the mend. I have to take blood thinners for 3 months and have a nurse give me antibiotics daily for the next few weeks. The blood thinners mean no drinking for the next 3 months, which is really disappointing. This means no eggnog during the holidays, no champagne on New Year’s Eve, and on that note having to take complete responsibility for whatever shenanigans I get into on NYE. But in the grand scheme of things, this is all a small sacrifice I have to make to get better.

As usual, I have to get cheesy and talk about the wonderful people I have in my life. My beautiful, selfless, patient and kind mother has been by my side since the moment I told her I needed to go to the hospital. She has been my advocate, my nurse, my strength and I can’t even begin to imagine how I would have survived this without her by my side. Aside from coming to visit me constantly, my dad and siblings surprised me with Thanksgiving dinner in my hospital room the Sunday after Thanksgiving when it looked like I wasn’t getting out any time soon. I can’t imagine being in their shoes, seeing any of them in that situation, but they have all been so strong. My older sister, who lives in Buffalo, called my mom what seemed like every few hours for an update. When I was up for it, I would get on the phone to chat with her. She has such a cheerful voice and is always so positive and supportive. I know she would have given anything to be here, but hearing her voice with my niece and nephew playing in the background did wonders for my mood. Taryn was in town basically from the day I was admitted to the day I got released. We had so many plans, so many things we wanted to do while she was in town, but instead she spent countless hours hanging out in my hospital room. My friends Laura and Erin have been amazing, visiting me in the hospital, making me laugh and showing me how lucky I am to have friends like them. Dave reminded me once again how completely grateful I am to still have him in my life as a close friend. I have always been able to count on him to make me laugh in the worst situations and to always shed a positive light on anything. He was constantly checking in, calling to make me laugh and just being there. I truly am so lucky to have these people in my life.

I can’t begin to tell you how much of a nightmare this whole thing has been, but I am glad it will soon be a thing of the past. Spending Thanksgiving in the hospital made me really sad, but I had a lot of people to be thankful for. If I were one to make New Year’s resolutions, mine would most definitely be for a 2011 with no health issues. Anyway, I’m back and looking forward to sharing more stories with the five (wow, get me more followers) of you. 

“But My ‘Why Not Me?’ Philosophy Began…”

That’s a line from ‘Gonna Get Over You,’ an amazing song by Sara Bareilles. It’s pretty much a fact that her songs have the best lyrics. If you’ve never heard her music before, check it out. You won’t be disappointed.

I used to be the kind of girl who just ruled things out and made bold statements about things I wouldn’t do, things I didn’t do.

Whether I was announcing that I don’t sing karaoke, or that I would never try online dating, or that it’s impossible to stay friends with an ex or blaming myself for things going wrong in a relationship, or telling myself I didn’t think I’d ever find someone I loved as much as Dave, I used to see things as black and white. No grey areas. No middle ground.

2010 Millie was very different than this. I realized that I do sing karaoke and that it makes me giggle nonstop. I tried and loved the ups and downs of online dating. I learned how to stay friends with an ex and am so thankful for that. I stopped blaming myself for things that went wrong and learned that both people could have done things differently. I discovered that there are people I could love as much as Dave and that I had to be patient in the meantime.

I mean, why not? Why wouldn’t I sing karaoke? Why wouldn’t I be lucky enough to find true love again? Why wouldn’t I give online dating a try? Why not me?

We need to stop putting ourselves in these categories, closing ourselves off to things because we have this crazy idea that we “aren’t that type of person.” Sure, it can be scary. Intimidating. We might cry a little. But we might also laugh a lot.

Next time you find yourself saying no to something…just ask yourself, “Why not me?”

Tucker Tale #1

If I haven’t mentioned it before, I am absolutely obsessed with my family. I am smack dab in the middle of four siblings…Jamie is 20, Kelsey (Rooms) is 21, I’m 24, Mikey is 25 and Kristi (Kiki) is 25. Kiki lives in Buffalo with her husband and two beautiful kids, Alyssa (4-years-old) and Aidan (1-year-old). My parents, Linda and Gary met in high school and have been happily married for 27 years. The love they have for each other and our family is something I am so proud to be a part of and so lucky to have.

I can really describe the perfect combination of how sarcastic, supportive and fun my family is by describing one recent scenario. I recently got my braces off and was so glad that geeky accessory was finally a thing of the past. No more than a month later, I was at the eye doctor finding out I needed glasses. This should have come as no surprise to me, as I am an exact, creepy replica of my amazing mother, my soul sista, as we like to call each other. Nonetheless, I was feeling slightly panicked because I have never been a fan of accessories for the face/head. I don’t like hats on me and it is a constant battle to shop for sunglasses, headbands, etc. I called my mom whining about how silly I looked when I got my glasses, probably being overdramatic, as I tend to do that sometimes.

The next day, Rooms and I headed to my parents house for the day. They live in Citrus Springs (what us kids call Sleepy Springs), FL, which is about an hour and a half from my house in Winter Garden. We try to gather at their house every other Sunday or so, so Mikey and Jamie were already there when we arrived. When we walked in the house and found all four of them, Mikey, Jamie, Mom and Dad sitting at the kitchen table wearing glasses, I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. It was the funniest, sweetest way they could have shown their support. I just adore them all.

You can expect regular posts with me bragging about these wonderful people I have in my life. After all, they’ve helped shape me. They helped me get to this amazing place in my life. And they make me laugh always. I’ll call these posts Tucker Tales. This way, you know what you’re getting yourself into. 

The Fakeout

There is probably no worse feeling than going on a blind date, seeing a guy walking toward you and praying to God that he is not who you think he is. I’m sorry, but when that is how a date starts, there really is no bouncing back. The Fakeout is a guy I had gotten matched with on EHarmony and hadn’t really e-mailed too much before we decided to meet.

I should probably backtrack here and share one of my biggest rules about dating. It is this: “If you are a Yankee fan, it’s just not going to work out between us.” See, I was born in Boston and am a Red Sox girl for life. I can’t stand the thought of dating a Yankee fan, never mind the thought of introducing him to my family, to my dad who used to sell hotdogs at Fenway Park, Gate A to be exact, when he was a kid.

The Fakeout lived in Daytona, and had already told me he was a Yankee fan. I had no intention of going out of my way to meet him, as he already had two strikes against him. But judging from his only photo on his profile, I thought he was decent looking and when he offered to drive the hour and a half to meet me for coffee, I figured why not?

That brings us back to that miserable feeling I had when I saw him walking toward me. I had seen on his profile that he was 5’ 7”, but I guess I didn’t realize just how short that was for a guy. That, coupled with his receding hairline and really, really bad acne, you could say I wasn’t the least bit attracted to him. If he hadn’t seen me, I might have run back to my car (awful, I know.) I told myself I’d give it one hour, no more. I mean, I was buying a house; I had a lot going on. I had a thousand other things I could have been doing. There was no point in wasting my time or his, when I had no intention of moving forward with him. However, I did recognize the fact that he drove all that way, so I gave it one hour.

One hour later, I left Starbucks, at least being able to laugh off the horrific situation. Lessons learned: If a match only has one photo on his profile, be skeptical. If that only photo is from a distance, don’t be fooled. And most importantly, don’t ever sacrifice your morals. A Yankee fan is a Yankee fan and that is just never going to be okay.

Doing Big Things

It doesn’t need to be said that the year 2010 was already bringing me lots of new experiences, to say the least. By the time March came around, I had clearly already shaken up things in my dating world. It was time to make some big life moves. 

For a while, I had been staying in shape by working out regularly and was for once really enjoying working out and eating healthy. Not to mention, Stella had a positive effect on my eating habits, as I had no appetite the whole month of January and lost 10 pounds…best diet I’ve ever been on. I was getting a little bored with my regular workout routine and was ready to challenge myself a little more. I’ve never been much of a runner. Between my D/DD breasts and a lack of endurance, any attempt at becoming a runner wasn’t very successful in the past. One day at work, we were talking about working out and next thing I knew, my coworker Russell (who is also my very dear friend and referred to by me as my gay uncle) and I had signed up for the 9th Annual UMC Windermere Run Among the Lakes. I was about to attempt to run my first 5K and only had about a month to prepare. I wasn’t trying to come in first place; I wasn’t even trying to run fast. I just wanted to run the entire thing and that I did.

On the most beautiful morning in April, I finished the run in 35 minutes and my mom, my biggest fan, my soul sista…was waiting at the finish line cheering me on. I’m getting teary-eyed just thinking back on it.

I had been house hunting for about a month. Being so happy with my life and living life for myself, I had come to the conclusion that I didn’t see myself leaving the Orlando area any time soon. It was time to get settled somewhere of my own. No more moving every 6-12 months, no more keeping my favorite things in my parents’ garage, no more throwing money away on rent. The moment I walked into the cute, three bedrooms, two and a half bath townhouse in Winter Garden, I knew it was the one.

Buying a house is one of the most stressful and exciting things I’ve ever been through. I moved into that house on May 20, 2010. I was sad to leave my very best friends and roommates, but thrilled to be living with my sister who had been living in Texas for a few years. I won’t get into the details of how exciting and overwhelming this process was, but I will say that I was reminded again how wonderfully supportive my parents are and how I can really do anything I set my mind to.

 

Online Dating: Yes, I Went There.

Yes, it’s true. I did what most 20-something girls think they will never do. I decided to enter into the intimidating and scary world of online dating. I had actually joined back in November of last year, after drinking with my parents and sister one night during Thanksgiving weekend. the subject of my nonexistent dating life came up. I joked about how I had gotten an e-mail from EHarmony and next thing I knew, my parents had convinced me to give it a try and we stayed up until 2 in the morning creating my profile together. This is one of many examples of how amazingly supportive my family is, but I digress.

See, I always thought of online dating as a desperate attempt, only made by people who were older and had given up on finding love the traditional way. After talking with the rents about it, they helped me see it as just another way to meet people. Looking at it from that perspective, I decided to go for it. What did I have to lose?

I signed up for a three-month membership and had nothing to show for it after the three months were up. I didn’t go on one date and to be perfectly honest, didn’t really see anyone with much potential. While it would have been nice to meet someone, I wasn’t devastated, as I was keeping myself busy. I let my membership expire and that was that.

Seeing as how I originally joined in November, before I became the best version of myself, by the time April came around, I felt like I might be ready to give The Harm another try. That may have more to do with the fact that the second your membership expires, they start reeling you back in with e-mails about new matches, really cheap memberships and whatnot. Either way, somehow I ended up back on that thing.

To put it lightly, I had a VERY different experience the second time around. I went on dates, both good and bad, laughed A LOT, suffered through awkward silences, fell for someone and got my heart broken.

“Dance Like No One is Watching”

I quickly discovered that one of the best parts about my life in 2010 was my ability to truly live in the moment and do what came naturally without second- guessing myself or feeling self-conscious. I was a creepily shy kid, and although I eased out of that and was fairly outgoing throughout high school and college, I always managed to stay out of the spotlight, so to speak. This meant not dancing at my prom much because I wasn’t and still am not a good dancer, getting embarrassed when Dave and I won Cutest Couple our senior year and he swept me off my feet and carried me away, and never, ever picturing myself singing karaoke. I feel like it had something to do with an increased sense of confidence and self-awareness, but whatever it was, I’m so glad it happened. It’s another one of those situations where I always wanted to be the kind of person who sang karaoke and danced around in public like a goofball, but never really made an effort to change. I didn’t make any new year’s resolution to change this, but the first time I was put in a situation where this normally would have been an issue, I found myself dancing around with my girlfriends at a bar one night in January, not caring how silly we looked, just caring about how happy and free I felt.

Now that the curse was lifted, I was out of control. I remember Dave was in Orlando for a weekend in January and we got together for lunch. Aside from me looking completely different, he even commented on the change when we were walking around Winter Garden Village and I grabbed his hand and tried to get him to dance with me in the middle of the street. When March came, and my roommate Laura invited me to karaoke with her friends on a Friday night, there was no question of if I would sing; it was what song and how many we should sing. Let me make it perfectly clear that I have no musical talents, but that is so not the point of karaoke anyway. We sang “Red High Heels” by Kellie Pickler and even had a little bit of choreography to top it off! Now, I love when a girls night at home turns into a random dance party, I dance around my room when I am getting ready, or when I am stressed out. I live life without wondering what anyone is thinking of me at the moment. So far, so absolutely wonderful. 

It's a Brand New Day...

It’s New Year’s Day 2010…I wake up and feel like I have the worst hangover of my life, which turns out to be kidney stones. I also happened to wake up this day feeling like a completely different person. I’ve never been happier, more comfortable with myself and more able to laugh at life when it clearly isn’t going your way for as long as I can remember. The irony of getting kidney stones on New Year’s Day, a day when resolutions begin, when hopes for a great new year are at their highest, is not at all lost on me. The crazy thing is, this day is the day when my life changed for the better. I made no resolutions, no intention of making this the best year of my life, or the year I be completely happy and dedicated to living and loving every minute of life…but today was the day that all started. I guess the kidney stone, which I later named Stella after hearing my mother compare passing a kidney stone to childbirth, was what set is all in motion. Why am I even telling this story? Why was this day any different than the days or years before? Was I a miserable human being before 2010? No. Was I living up to my potential as a person? Not even close. Let me start from the beginning…

I’ve always been a fairly positive person, happy, confident person. I grew up with the most amazing, loving, supportive family and that has never changed. I met Dave the first day of senior year at Freedom High School. I remember the first words he said to me, how I would catch him checking me out from across the room in English class and how we purposely got out lockers next to each other, like we both knew what was coming. I wouldn’t change a thing about that year, or any other year for that matter. My first love was all the things I ever imagined it would be and so much more. We inevitably went off to college together, moving into the same dorm and making the transition to college together. Even when Dave transferred to college in New Hampshire so he could study air traffic control, things were just perfect between us. I’ll never understand when or how things changed, but it must have been such a gradual change that neither of us noticed, or wanted to notice it was happening. Needless to say, that after five years together, two of which had been long-distance, a lot was changing for us. I had graduated college and was in a state of limbo, living at home, searching for a job, while Dave was still a busy college student with a completely separate life from me. The day Dave told me he wanted to be with other people, it felt like the ground fell from under me. He had always been so open about what he was feeling, good or bad. This was something I loved about him…not having to pull things out of him, being able to talk things out when we had a disagreement. But today, I couldn’t see all that good stuff. I was so angry and hurt.

During this time, I had a really positive outlook on the situation and really wanted to move on (i.e. see what else is out there, meet new people, go on dates, live my life) but wasn’t really making anything happen for myself. I was pretty content going to work, going to the gym, seeing friends or going out with my roommate on occasion and spending the weekends at my parents’ house because I knew it was better than sulking in my room on a Saturday night because I didn’t have a social life.

Like I said before, I was happy enough. I just wasn’t living up to my potential and I really wasn’t trying.