This post has been sitting in my draft folder for about a week and after debating whether to post it or not, it's time to just put it out there. Writing has always been a way for me to sort out my feelings and reflect and this post is just that...a stream of thoughts as I took some time to really reflect on what I've been feeling.
I'm going to get real honest and open here and I hope you can bear with me. I guess you could say I recently had a bit of an epiphany and this is my way of working through it all.
I’ve felt for some
time now the nagging feeling that I am not who I used to be. Most of who I am hasn't changed at all, but I was feeling like lost a bit of myself. I couldn’t explain
in detail what that even meant, but I’ve been in a long-term funk and I’m just
now coming out of it and making sense of it all.
Meeting
Jonathan just over a year ago was the absolute best thing that has ever
happened to me. I love this man so much it hurts and I honestly still can’t
believe we found each other. After meeting him, my life changed dramatically at
a pretty fast pace. It’s no secret that things moved super fast for us and I’m
so glad it did. When you know, you know and this was absolutely true for us.
This meant big life changes came at
warped speed to my life and while they were changes for the better, it was a
lot at one time. I quickly began spending more of my time at Jonathan’s instead
of my house resulting in tension with friends and roommates, getting used to a new town and new friends and family and settling
into our life together. A marriage proposal wasn’t too far behind which led to
wedding planning stress, selling and moving out of my home into our home, saying goodbye to my puppy as
we needed to find a new home for him then getting married just a few months
later. I deal with change pretty well but when you go through so many life
changes in a short time, no matter how amazing it all is, it still takes a toll
on you.
Until I met
Jonathan, I held onto the hope that my story would unfold this way but when it
actually happened, I was (and sometimes still am) in absolute disbelief. All this excitement
and joy in my life over the last year or so has been such a blessing, but I’d
be lying if I said I didn’t allow it to have its not-so-positive effects on me.
Just over a year ago, I was in the best shape of my life. I was at my ideal weight
(although I wouldn’t have minded losing a little) and I was working out just
about every day. It happens to a lot of us when we fall in love and our
priorities change a little, but my healthy habits soon started to disappear. I went from being independent and heading to the
gym straight from work, then coming home and eating oatmeal for dinner to
wanting to go home and cook dinner for us, to spend quality time together and cuddle,
to watch How I Met Your Mother while
enjoying a few glasses of wine and staring into each others’ eyes. I’m just
kidding on that last one…we aren’t quite that cheesy, I promise. Needless to
say, I stopped taking good care of myself and I am the only one to blame.
Health is a priority and I had all the support in the world to continue healthy
habits, but I am the one who let myself down.
Not only did
I stop taking care of myself physically, but I let stress and other negative
things change my attitude. I used to be so…sunshiney. My sister used to tease
me for making small talk with the Target cashier because I was just overly friendly. I used to say ‘Count your rainbows, not your thunderstorms’ at least
once a day, but somehow over time, I’ve allowed my thunderstorms to take up too
much space in my head…in my heart. I used to do what I wanted without worrying
how others would react. I was spontaneous and silly. I would dance, blast
Taylor Swift, twirl, laugh…all things that made me absolutely giddy. I don’t
feel like I’ve lost it completely, but I've definitely lost touch with certain qualities that make me who I am.
It took me a
while to even notice the changes in my appearance, my attitude, my confidence.
I’ve slowly, little by little lost control over these things. It’s taken me
even longer to really think about what happened here and how I can come out of
this even better than I was before. I can take responsibility for letting life
get the best of me. It’s me who stopped taking care of myself and making fitness
and health a priority. It’s me who let stress, drama with friends and
unhappiness at work impact my attitude and the way I live my life.
After
thinking about this a lot lately, I keep coming back to the whole concept of
confidence. Confidence for me isn’t just about my looks. It’s about my
attitude, my energy level, my state of mind, my health in general, my
friendships, it’s about what I invest in making myself the best me I can be.
These things are all related to each other for me. It’s certainly true that I’ve
become less spontaneous and silly because I don’t love the way I look. I’m not
happy with my body, so my confidence is down. My confidence is down, so
unintentionally, I stay under the radar and don’t put myself in the spotlight.
I end up criticizing myself and letting the negative thoughts win, so I end up
taking myself too seriously and unable to loosen up and twirl around the house
like I used to. One small thing impacts everything else in my life.
For example,
I had so much drama with my friends/roommates when Jonathan and I first
starting seeing each other and even until we got engaged. It got really bad and
I feel like even that trickled down to my attitude and my confidence level. I
let the negativity affect me in even more ways than making me a little stressed
and ended up changing how I acted and how I approached friendships because of what
happened with a few individuals.
The funny thing about all of this is that I've found someone to spend my life with who does nothing but build me up. I spend my days with someone who loves all of me, every day. He celebrates me while supporting me and inspiring me to be better. He sees in me what I don't see in myself and I'm so thankful for his constant love and support. While it's such a blessing to have this support, I need to be sure I am viewing myself in the same light and making it a a priority to do what I need to do to be the kind of person I want to be.
If I want to
feel more confident, I need to invest the time and work into improving myself.
I know feeling confident in who I am and how I present myself will help me get
my groove back, so to speak. I’ll be confident enough again to tell the biggest
Debbie Downer I know to count their rainbows, to be myself and not be afraid of
what will be said when I leave the room, to dance and laugh and be the
positive, energetic, outgoing person I know am.
For some
reason, rather than committing to taking control of the situation, I’ve let it get so big
that I didn’t even know where to start to get back where I was. This blog post
has been a long time coming and truth be told, it just took some time for me to
really reflect on things and figure out what is actually wrong. Being completely
honest with myself in this situation has taken time and bravery, not to mention
posting it on the Internet for all to see. The funny thing is I am and have been so absolutely happy with my life. I haven't been depressed or unhappy and I have never had a doubt in my mind that I am right where I need to be in life...with the right person, in the right place and in the right time. I've just let a little part of me go...a part of me that I miss and a part of me that will help me leave the world a better and happier place. I need my spunk back, that's for sure.
The good news is that it’s still me.
I’m still here, I’m in complete control of how I feel
and I have the best support system I could ask for…an endlessly supportive
husband who disagrees with every negative thing I might think about myself, a
loving family and God who gives me strength and love no matter what the
situation.
The Internet
is a funny place, especially the blog world. Whether it’s a blog post or a Facebook
post, it’s only a glimpse into someone’s life. Most of the time, we only share
the good stuff because it is much prettier and easy to look at but life isn’t perfect
all the time and there are some parts of life that aren't as shiny even though the shiny stuff is what most of us choose to put out there on the
Internet. It scares me to share my personal thoughts and challenges like this, but
writing…it’s therapeutic to me and maybe someone will read this and be able to
relate to it, or maybe they won’t.
Either way, it’s out there and I feel better already.
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