Just a Bad Day, Not a Bad Life

I was convinced I was pregnant last month. I was 5 days late and I am never late. Rather than quieting the voices in my head telling me I could be, I let myself feel hopeful and excited at the prospect of it all. I had decided that telling myself 'no, you're not' when I really hoped and felt like I might be doesn't change the outcome either way so I was going to choose joy and hope. Whether I thought I was pregnant or kept telling myself I wasn't, I'd be sad and disappointed either way if it wasn't our time yet so why not let myself be hopeful?

I had just finished a conversation with Jonathan about this before we went to bed on that fifth day. It was one of those chats I never wanted to end as we knew we should have been in bed an hour ago but we just kept talking and dreaming and loving every second. I told him I don't want to have to keep myself in check with anything in life. If I feel hopeful or excited prematurely, I don't want anyone to tell me I am getting ahead of myself. I know that already and I would rather get ahead of myself than tell myself no, no, no. He agreed and we made a pact that we weren't going to talk ourselves out of being hopeful or excited about our life. Whether it's hoping/thinking we could be pregnant this time or sharing our love of Jesus with others or raving about how much we love Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University. We don't want to worry what others might think of us being so open and excited about things they may not understand or relate to. We need to let ourselves love what we love and feel what we feel and not worry that others will criticize our naivety or optimism.

A few hours after that bedtime chat, I woke up from a peaceful sleep and knew immediately that I was no longer 5 days late. I got up and confirmed that I was in fact, not pregnant, and with cramps and tears in my eyes, I climbed back into bed and told Jonathan it wasn't our time.

I cried myself back to sleep and I have to admit, I cried on and off the whole next day. I was okay, really. But I couldn't control the tears. I was disappointed and just sad about how our journey to becoming parents has been thus far. I felt frustrated and when I'm frustrated, I just let the tears fall and fall. Jonathan was great and of course, worried about me but I just had to keep telling him I'd be fine tomorrow - that I just needed to get it out of my system that day. When I say I cried most of the day, I'm not exaggerating. I think it was a mix of exhaustion and disappointment, but I knew I just needed to let myself cry it out and get those feelings out of my system.

I don't really know who Alex Tan is, but this quote from him sums it up pretty well for me. "Perhaps our eyes need to be washed by our tears once in a while, so that we can see life with a clearer view again." 

The next day, I woke up and moved on with my life. Hope rushed back in and replaced my disappointment from the day before. I think Jonathan gets a little worried when I have a rough day like that and worries that I might have lost hope or that I might be letting these little bumps in the road make me unhappy with my life. I know it's hard for him to see me fall apart and he wants to fix it and be there to remind me that everything will be okay, that we'll try again next month.

The thing is, sometimes it's just a bad day. Sometimes I just need to allow myself to react to disappointment or frustration. Sometimes I just need to cry it out and get it out of my system. Despite how unreasonable or upset I am in the moment, I know I will be fine tomorrow and that my life is unbelievably full of happiness and joy. It's just a bad day, not a bad life.

Tell me...

• Do you ever have those days where you just need to "cry it out?"
• What helps you keep everything in perspective? 
• How do you pull yourself back together?

The Rain on our Parade

I have been working on this post for weeks. I sit down and write a few pieces of this story and I need to put it away for a while until I feel brave again. I am torn between having so much to say and nothing to say at all. I've been praying to find the words. I've been praying for courage and strength. I've been praying for grace.

Guys, I love sharing our joy through writing and blogging, but I don’t want to avoid sharing the not-so-great stuff. I want to share the struggles because they are part of our story.

Recently, I've shared all the joy and celebrating we’ve had over the last few months and there is no doubt that life has been so good to us. What I haven't shared is that in November, it rained on our parade a bit.

We knew early on that we didn't want to wait long before starting a family together after we got married. I want to say it was March or April when we really started trying to get pregnant and on October 21 at about 3:00 in the morning, we were wide awake celebrating the positive pregnancy test we’d been praying for. We were fairly certain we were pregnant and ously couldn’t sleep so I got up at 3 a.m. to take another test. There was no doubt about it – we were officially pregnant and couldn’t have been more thrilled! So thrilled, that I never went back to sleep that night – I was just too over-the-moon excited. I was only 4 weeks along at that point - it was early.

We all know the facts. We know how likely a miscarriage is in the first 12 weeks. But knowing the facts doesn’t make it any easier to cope when it becomes your reality.

Sadly, the day before Thanksgiving at our 8 week appointment, we learned we had lost the baby. We looked at the screen to find the same image we’d seen at our ultrasound 2 weeks earlier - a speck. No heartbeat. Nothing. I knew it as soon as I looked up and I'm certain Jonathan did as well. I laid back listening to him try to make conversation with the ultrasound tech and her staying completely silent until finally saying it out loud to us. I couldn’t even look at Jonathan. I was so heartbroken for him – for us.

I can't compare what I felt at that moment to anything I've ever felt before. Devastation? I don't know. Even devastation doesn't cover it. When you find out your pregnant, it's a time full of such genuine hope and joy. We basked in that joy and hope and in an instant, it was ripped away.

The next day was Thanksgiving, my favorite day of the year. We were supposed to be staying in town and spending the day with Jonathan's grandparents and parents, but I just couldn't bring myself to do anything. I honestly just wanted to hide from the world. My heart was so heavy. I was crushed. I told Jonathan to go ahead without me. I love all of our family, I just didn't have it in me to celebrate.

When Jonathan told me no, that instead he was taking me to my parents' house almost 2 hours away, I was reminded once again of the strong and selfless man I married. The hugs we received from my mom, dad, sisters and brother when we walked in the door did wonders for our broken hearts. Playing board games and laughing with my siblings provided us a much needed distraction from our sadness and when we sat down on my parents' couch after dinner, I looked up at Jonathan with the saddest tears in my eyes and was still able to tell him we have so much to be thankful for. In the midst of my sorrow, I was/am still incredibly aware of the blessings in our life.

In the days and weeks following our sad news, I'm pretty sure I experienced every emotion possible - grief, sadness, peace, frustration, hope, impatience, sometimes all of these in the span of a few hours. I was and still am trying to grieve and heal my heart and that can mean something different for everyone.

I'll be back to share what this journey has been like for us but I think I may have shared enough for today. My heart hurts a bit but writing these words is part of the process for me and it feels good to share our story, even when it isn't all sunshine. 

A Bittersweet Day

Tuesday was an emotional day.

I took the day off from work to move the rest of my things out of the house and clean in preparation for the closing Wednesday morning. This was the day I'd spent the last few weeks preparing for.

In the weeks leading up to the closing, I was great about getting rid of things, organizing and prepping for the move so I wouldn't have as much work to do when the time came. My weeks of hard work paid off because even though I still spent the entire day cleaning and moving, I know it could've been a lot worse.

I'd worked so hard prepping for the move and preparing myself mentally to say goodbye to my first home. I was so ready to move out, to get one step closer to marrying and moving in with Jonathan.

I felt so much relief over selling the house so fast. I was ready to lock the door one last time and drive away from my first home, a place that holds so many wonderful memories--dance parties, girls nights with my sisters, baking extravaganzas in the kitchen, that time I decided to paint the master bedroom and bathroom by myself (not my best decision), the time my family helped me decorate for Christmas after I got home from a two week hospital stay and so many more memorable moments.

I was prepared to sell my house and let someone else start their story there.

Our last day at the house.

One thing I hadn't prepared for and never could have, was saying goodbye to Blake. It was months ago that we decided Blake would have a new home with my roommate once the time came to move, then the house sold quicker than I ever could have guessed and everything just happened so quickly.

I never could've prepared myself to say goodbye to Blake on Tuesday. He was by my side all day as I cleaned and packed the house. We planned on Natasha (my roommate) picking him up at the end of the day and taking him to her new townhouse and as the day went on, I found it more difficult to prepare for. I couldn't even look at him without crying. Anytime I sat down at the kitchen table to take a break, or to cry, he would jump onto my lap and sit with me for as long as I sat there.

When I finally finished cleaning and the house was empty, I spent the last hour in my home just sitting there holding my sweet puppy. He slept in my lap and opened his eyes to look up at me a few times. Honestly, I think he was just glad I was finally sitting still for a while so he could cuddle. When the time came for me to leave, I lost it. I said goodbye to Blake and cried the whole way to Jonathan's house.

The thing is, I know this is the right thing to do. Natasha is going to take such good care of him and I know he'll be happy. I know Jonathan and I made the right decision to give both our pets a new home. While Blake might miss his momma and I will miss him, we'll both adjust and the best part is that I will still be able to visit him anytime. Unfortunately, none of this makes it any easier to say goodbye.

I've had Blake since he was just a few weeks old. When I first got him, he was so little he just slept in my lap when I took him somewhere with me. As he got older and his right ear started to stand straight up while his left ear flopped down, people always asked about it and told me it was so weird. I just told them it's what makes him special. He's quirky and his biggest flaw is that he is just too excited about life. I know giving him a new home was the right thing to do, but he's still my little boy and it was more difficult than I could have ever imagined to say goodbye to him.

Just a few days after I brought him home.

This might be my favorite of all time.

Thanksgiving 2012.

One thing I've realized is that doing the right thing is sometimes the hardest thing. Making the decision to give both our pets away wasn't an easy one for Jonathan and I. It's easy for people on the outside to judge our decision, but this was the right thing to do for our relationship and our future. It's not something others have to agree with or understand.

I know in my heart that Blake will be more than okay, otherwise I wouldn't have given him to Natasha. I know I will feel better soon. It's difficult to say goodbye and Jonathan will go through the same thing when his cat goes to a new home soon. We're going to help each other through it and as long as we know we did the right thing for our relationship and our future, it will all be okay.

Needless to say, this week has been emotionally exhausting. I've gone from feeling complete sadness over saying goodbye to Blake to feeling absolute relief and joy signing the closing documents for the house the next day. It's been a bit of a roller coaster, to be completely honest. I'm just grateful for my fiance' and my family. These wonderful people in my life have been so supportive this week. They've shared in my joy over the sale of the house and made sure I wasn't alone in my sadness over Blake. Poor Jonathan has basically had a front seat on this emotional roller coaster all week. Thank God for his strength and patience!

A different kind of grieving.

My Nana passed away on Monday morning.

I've been trying to figure out how to write about this and even considered not writing about it at all. To be honest, I'm feeling a little conflicted and I've been trying to figure out how to put that into words. The thing is, this is my space and I use writing to help me sort out my feelings, so I need to get it out and move forward from there.

I mentioned in a recent post that my Nana has been battling cancer on and off for several years and chose to stop receiving treatment. I was able to visit her a few weeks ago to say goodbye and Monday morning, her suffering finally stopped.

This is certainly not the first death of a loved one I've experienced, but it is certainly a different experience than the others. With the others, I didn't have the opportunity to say goodbye, to prepare myself for what was coming. I don't know if being able to say goodbye makes it any easier to cope, but I do know that I'm grieving in a very different way.

See, over the last few years, my Nana hasn't really been my Nana. Her health issues and circumstances really took a toll on her spirit. She distanced herself quite a bit from my family and I'll never forget calling her for a birthday a few years ago and being so sad after hearing her so grumpy. This wasn't the Nana I knew.

It's been strange the last several months, knowing this was coming any day. I know my dad and his siblings have been trying to prepare, to be there and still lead their daily lives knowing this was coming.

My dad and his siblings didn't have the best childhood. I know in the last few years especially, my dad's relationship with his mother was a little tense. See, my dad speaks his mind and he's always had her best interest at heart. She didn't always see it that way. I don't want my father to look back and wish  he had done anything differently. He tried his best to be there, to help, to reach out and speak up out of concern for her.

I love my Nana and always will. Dealing with the loss of a family member, no matter the circumstances, is heart breaking. It would be crazy to say that I don't feel sadness and a sense of loss.

I do.

It's just that I'm feeling so much sadness for my dad. I worry about him and how he is coping. I just want to hug him and have our whole family together because I know that will give him strength.

If I'm being completely honest with myself, I have to admit that personally, I feel an enormous sense of peace and relief.  I've been struggling with this all week because I don't want to come across insensitive or cold-hearted for feeling this way. I think when we lose someone we love, we feel like there is a certain way we are expected to react and a certain way to grieve, but I'm realizing it's okay to "live in joy."

Her suffering is over and I know she has finally found peace. I know my dad and his siblings will come together, move on together and begin to let go of any tension between them. We can all focus on the happy memories and reminisce about the times she made us laugh without realizing she was doing anything funny. We can focus on the joy she brought us, the memories, the card games we played. We can all start to heal and move on with her in our hearts.

I'm realizing it's okay to focus on this and to feel peace. I wholeheartedly believe my Nana is in a better place and it's okay to feel at peace, to feel relieved on her behalf.

Choosing joy.

It's been a long week. I'm not crazy about talking about sad topics on this blog, but sometimes it's necessary.

On Monday I went to visit my grandmother for what is probably the last time. After battling cancer on and off for several years, she decided to stop receiving treatment and doesn't have much longer. 

I woke up the next day with a cold and found myself being a major Debbie Downer as Jonathan and I talked later that night. He jokingly called me out on it and I'm glad he did. I have every right to be upset sometimes, but being upset doesn't make it okay to be negative.

I guess I tend to let a lot of little things get to me, then something big comes along and sends me over the edge. Lately, I've been letting things have control over me; things like medical bills, roommate issues, work concerns. Then I have to say goodbye to my Nana and all those little things I've been stressing about come to the surface along with it.

I need to stop getting upset about things beyond my control. I need to be content with the fact that I'm doing the best I can and let it go. If it is in my control, I need to stop complaining about it and do something to change it.

I need to choose joy. I need to practice what I preach and "count my rainbows, not my thunderstorms."

I need to dance it out when I feel stressed, I need to pray for strength when I don't feel strong enough, I need to rise above the negativity.

I've been given this beautiful life to live and I am so blessed. I need to focus on the blessings.

Find the good.

I certainly don't need to fill you in on the events that took place yesterday in Boston. You've likely seen the footage, the photos, the Twitter posts. My reaction to acts of violence like this, which happen much too often, is always the same. I sit here speechless, in shock, feeling helpless and trying to wrap my head around how in this world such awful things can happen.

It's so easy to say we've lost faith in humanity, to say the world is going to hell in a hand basket and to feel bitterness in general toward society, but I've seen so many posts and heard so many conversations talking about the good in an awful situation like this. Even if it's just a little bit of good, people are talking about it. Yes, something horrible happened and our hearts are breaking for the victims and anyone impacted by this. But just when you think you've lost all faith in humanity, you hear about the runners who continued running straight to the hospital to give blood after the blast, the people running toward the explosion to help in any way they could, and you are reminded that there is always going to be good in this world, no matter what we are up against.

My thoughts and prayers go out to the victims and anyone 

who has been affected by this.

"We Just Have to Beat the Girls Who Stopped for Ice Cream!"

Good morning! I hope you all had a lovely weekend.

As many others were, I was completely torn apart by the events that took place Friday in Newtown. I wish I could find the words to write something...anything on this. But I can't. Simply knowing that horrific tragedies like this happen on this planet is absolutely heartbreaking. Since I can't find the right words to say, before I get into the nonsense my weekend consisted of, I wanted to share this song with you all. It came on my country music playlist on Friday night while I was home and it gave me a little spark of hope...hope for better days ahead.

My weekend...

The highlight of my weekend was running participating in the Tap n' Run 4K in downtown Orlando on Saturday. For those of you unfamiliar with this race, the emphasis is less on running the 2.4 miles and more on drinking beer, wearing ridiculous costumes and inappropriate behavior. Instead of the typical water stops during a typical race, there were 3 beer stops along the course and at the end of the race, everyone gets a medal/beer opener and another beer at the finish line. I had an absolute blast!

I'd fill you in on every detail, but the few photos I took really highlight the best parts:

I loved that when you registered for this race online you could choose a nickname for your bib. I obviously went with Booze Clues, which is what I refer to as trying to figure out what happened the morning after a wild night.

I absolutely loved our team baseball shirts. So cute!

It was absolutely necessary to take a "baseball card" photo. I obviously don't know how you are supposed to stand, but that isn't really important.

Best friends stop in the middle of a race to get ice cream with you. We were maybe two minutes into the race when we ran by my favorite frozen yogurt place. We just had to run in and grab a snack for the race. It was so funny to hear people behind us cheering each other on saying "We just need to beat the girls who stopped for ice cream!"

This is probably the most serious photo Laura and I have ever taken together. We got way too much joy out of creeping people out with these mustaches throughout the night. We would hold put our staches on and stare at random people from across the bar until they very awkwardly caught our eyes. After being vicimized several times, one guy finally came up to us and told us we were making him really uncomfortable and left the bar. It was hilarious.

If you ever have a chance to particpate in something like this, you just have to. It's so much fun! For all the running I've been doing and the hard work I've put in lately, it was kinda nice to partipate in something like this where I didn't care about the actual running at all.

I do have to say that day drinking really isn't my thing. I get a headache and start feeling hungover before 8 p.m. Does this stop me? Not usually. However, when at midnight you are twirling and dancing to 80s music and realize you've been drinking since 3 p.m., it's time to go home.

Birthday Thoughts for Scott

I feel like because you all followed along in my relationship with Scotty (The Umpire) from the beginning, I would share that today is his birthday. He would be turning 29 today.

I've come to think of his closest friends as friends of mine over the last several months and he is never far from my mind. I can't even begin to think of what a difficult day today (and most days are) for his family and others who were closest to him.

We were just getting to know each other on his birthday last year and I have such great memories of him from that time. You all know I didn't know him very long, but I hold our memories together very close to my heart, especially the ones where he wasn't ticking me off (okay, maybe even those ones).

I went to the cemetary yesterday to visit with him. This may come as a surprise because I am such a sunshine and rainbows kind of girl, but being at the cemetary, there is something very calming about sitting on his bench and having a chat with him.

I really try to keep myself from wallowing in sadness over him. I know he wouldn't want that and his friends have been such a good example of how to think of him and reminisce in a joyful way.

Visiting him yesterday morning during the middle of a thunderstorm, I wanted to keep that up. After sitting there under my umbrella for a few minutes, I tossed my umbrella to the side and danced around in the rain. I stood there twirling, smiling and laughing in the pouring rain. Did I look completely nuts? Probably. But from what Scott and most people know about me, I have to think he appreciated the birthday gift.

Would I prefer to bake him a strawberry cheesecake from scratch like I did last year? Absolutely. But knowing he was probably up there watching and laughing (and probably shaking his head in embarrassment for me) made me feel a little better.

This Too Shall Pass

The last few weeks have been full of country concerts, cowboy boots, fun and the joys of having a puppy. I'm also going to Buffalo to visit my sister and her kids in a few weeks and I can't wait. I want to update you all on that, but first, I need to get some stuff off my chest:

I'm in a little bit of a weird place right now. I am still smiling and staying optimistic, but I don't feel like myself. I can't seem to clear my mind and just relax. If I'm being honest, I'm not over everything that happened with Gary. Don't get me wrong, I know I am better off without him in the long run and think he is a sad excuse for a man, but I am still trying to get over the whole thing. I'm still hurt. I have so much anger I can't let go of and I am still just sad. I feel out of sync with my girlfriends and stressed about work, money, etc.

I've been over thinking everything and I am just wearing myself out mentally and emotionally. I feel like I am not focused at work and sometimes I get really overwhelmed and sad when I am home at night. I can't seem to snap out of this funk I am in. Today I realized I have been so wrapped up with taking care of Blake whenever I am home, I haven't been doing a lot of the little things I know help me in times like this. Remember when I blogged about my stress relief strategies? I've hardly been doing any of these lately!

I know this is just a phase. I know that I'll be back to normal in no time and I know nothing is nearly as bad as it might feel right now. I still do have my always optimistic attitude and I'm keeping things in perspective. My life is amazing, despite the challenges I feel like I'm facing at the moment. Everything will be okay, but in the meantime, I am going to get back to my reliable stress relief tactics. Valentine's Day is coming up and no matter what my love life is like, I ALWAYS bake for Valentine's Day. So that's what I'll be doing Sunday. I'm starting to feel better just thinking about it.

source

I hope everyone is having a great week. Thanks for listening :)

Boo.

Gary told me tonight that he has feelings for someone else. We broke up. I really thought we had something here. Ugh.

Grieving

I apologize for the back-to-back Debbie Downer posts. I promise things will be back to normal shortly. My goal with this blog is to write about my life and how I am living it in a way that makes me happy. I know I’m not living up to my “Little Miss Sunshine” title, but just bear with me for one more post.

This week has been tough to say the least. The death of Scott has left me feeling so regretful and heartbroken.

Regrets 

I’ve never been one to regret anything. One of my biggest things is that I don’t think you should regret anything, because at one point it was the right decision. I’ve never known the feeling of true regret until now. I don’t regret breaking things off with Scott when I did, but I regret so many other things that happened after that. I regret acting the way I’ve been acting. I wanted him to fight for me, and when he didn’t, I was rude to him about it. That’s not the person I am.

The Grieving Process

I’ve been thinking a lot about the grieving process. I’ve grieved the deaths of loved ones before and my reaction and healing has been different each time. I guess with this one, I’m feeling so many things at the same time.

I still can’t accept that this happened. I can’t wrap my head around it.

I am so angry. I’m so angry at him for leaving us like this. I’m mad at him for being so reckless. I’m angry at the timing and unfairness of life sometimes. It’s hard to accept that it was his time to go. I don’t want to be angry, especially not with him.

Blessings

Through Scott, I was lucky enough to meet his wonderfully strong and supportive friends. Being around them, I feel an incredible amount of comfort. Together, they are able to laugh and celebrate Scotty. It is what he would want and I’m so glad they include me in it.

As I told his mother last night at the viewing, Scott brought an incredible amount of fun and laughter into my life in the short time I knew him. He had a smile that will never be forgotten. The memories he gave me will help me through this and I know everything will be okay. I was lucky enough to know him and that is a blessing in itself.

As cliché as it may be, I know Scotty wouldn’t want me to be crying or sad right now. It will be okay. I’m looking forward to that day, because right now it seems far away.  

Thank you all for putting up with this. Even if you don’t read it or didn’t enjoy it, it is helping me right now to write what I’m feeling. Thanks for your patience. I hope everyone is having a good week. To end on an uplifting note, I’ll share a quote with you…

"Be strong now because things will get better. It may be stormy now, but it can't rain forever."