On Trying Again

It's been nearly 4 months since our miscarriage and as of this week, we can officially start trying to get pregnant again. We've gotten approval from my doctor that I am physically able to get pregnant again but also and more importantly, we're emotionally ready to try again.

I'm sure everyone that goes through this deals with it differently, but I have not spent the last four months anxiously counting down to this day. Don't get me wrong -- I can't wait to experience pregnancy and I still absolutely want to be a mommy. I guess the last few months I've just known we needed time to heal. Time to feel confident that my body has healed. Time for our hearts to heal.

I know if I'd spent the last few months stressing out and feeling anxious over when we'd be able to try again, it wouldn't have been good for me. I needed to simply not look toward the future for a little while. I needed to focus my energy toward my health, our home, God, our marriage, my passions -- not how quickly I could get pregnant again. This time has been good to me. I feel at peace and I feel hopeful again.

I still have moments where I relive that sad day. I don't plan to, but sometimes it just hits me and I remember the specific little heartbreaking details. It's hard to forget a painful experience like that but we are doing.

The last four months have brought us peace and healing. We've grown closer through this and we still have faith that He will provide for us. We're more aware than ever that we are not in control here and we just have to trust in His plan.

I feel hopeful but more importantly, I feel patient. I pray we are blessed with a healthy pregnancy and are able to start a family soon, but I'm patiently looking forward to that day because I know His timing will be impeccable.

What Comes Next? Finding Strength in Sadness

It's been quiet around here since I shared the story of our miscarriage with you all last week. I haven't known quite what else to say about it to be honest. I want to share what the last few months of healing have been like for us, but these emotions are so unique and I've had a hard time putting it all into words. I guess one thing you all you should know is that we are doing well. We really are.

In the weeks following our sad news, I certainly wouldn't have said we were doing well with as much conviction. I attempted to go into work the following Monday because I didn't really know what to do with myself. I cried the whole way there and sat in my desk chair crying for half an hour when I arrived, only to go right back home. I had been holding up okay over the weekend, but something about being back to a normal routine didn't feel right. I fell apart.

I spent the next several days hiding out at home. I kept myself busy decorating our home for Christmas and getting things done around the house. Being at home was comforting to me. The only person I saw was Jonathan and he knew what I was feeling, what I needed. Home was a safe haven away from having to put on a brave face for the outside world. All that being said, I think I dealt with all of this fairly well.

One thing you need to know is that in the midst of our sorrow and disappointment, we have such faith in God that we knew everything was truly going to be okay. We may not understand God's plan at times, but that isn't our job. Our job is to trust in Him no matter the circumstances. Were we devastated? Yes. Did we feel like the wind had been completely taken out of our sails? Absolutely. Did we have moments of overwhelming sadness? Of course. But in all of this, we found strength in Him and had complete faith that we were going to be okay.

I eventually found the courage to return to work and it was certainly an adjustment. Responding to comments and support I received from co-workers/friends/relatives, all with good intentions was a unique challenge in the first few weeks. It's not that these gestures are not appreciated, it's just that you don't really know how to respond without falling apart. It requires understanding and grace, that's all I can say about it.

I wasn't quite myself, but I was trying and as I healed, I started feeling like myself again slowly but surely. I started socializing more and getting out and about. I found so much comfort in my husband and we would talk and talk until we both felt any weight we'd be feeling had been lifted. We faced this together and  we supported each other. We started laughing real, honest, full laughs and remembered that a good laugh can make you feel better in an instant. We helped each other and are still helping each other move forward.

There were times during the following weeks that I felt like I was watching myself from a distance. I couldn't believe my own strength. You honestly could never predict how you would react to this experience and to witness myself healing and dealing with this tragedy with the slightest bit of grace and peace was truly remarkable to me. I spoke to and thanked God more times than you could possibly imagine.

It's truly amazing to me the peace I was and still am able to find in this situation. It's been months since that devastating day and while I still feel sadness and have moments where I just have to cry it out, I am still at peace. I am still strong. I still know we are getting through this and we can't even begin to imagine the joy that is yet to come in our lives.

The Rain on our Parade

I have been working on this post for weeks. I sit down and write a few pieces of this story and I need to put it away for a while until I feel brave again. I am torn between having so much to say and nothing to say at all. I've been praying to find the words. I've been praying for courage and strength. I've been praying for grace.

Guys, I love sharing our joy through writing and blogging, but I don’t want to avoid sharing the not-so-great stuff. I want to share the struggles because they are part of our story.

Recently, I've shared all the joy and celebrating we’ve had over the last few months and there is no doubt that life has been so good to us. What I haven't shared is that in November, it rained on our parade a bit.

We knew early on that we didn't want to wait long before starting a family together after we got married. I want to say it was March or April when we really started trying to get pregnant and on October 21 at about 3:00 in the morning, we were wide awake celebrating the positive pregnancy test we’d been praying for. We were fairly certain we were pregnant and ously couldn’t sleep so I got up at 3 a.m. to take another test. There was no doubt about it – we were officially pregnant and couldn’t have been more thrilled! So thrilled, that I never went back to sleep that night – I was just too over-the-moon excited. I was only 4 weeks along at that point - it was early.

We all know the facts. We know how likely a miscarriage is in the first 12 weeks. But knowing the facts doesn’t make it any easier to cope when it becomes your reality.

Sadly, the day before Thanksgiving at our 8 week appointment, we learned we had lost the baby. We looked at the screen to find the same image we’d seen at our ultrasound 2 weeks earlier - a speck. No heartbeat. Nothing. I knew it as soon as I looked up and I'm certain Jonathan did as well. I laid back listening to him try to make conversation with the ultrasound tech and her staying completely silent until finally saying it out loud to us. I couldn’t even look at Jonathan. I was so heartbroken for him – for us.

I can't compare what I felt at that moment to anything I've ever felt before. Devastation? I don't know. Even devastation doesn't cover it. When you find out your pregnant, it's a time full of such genuine hope and joy. We basked in that joy and hope and in an instant, it was ripped away.

The next day was Thanksgiving, my favorite day of the year. We were supposed to be staying in town and spending the day with Jonathan's grandparents and parents, but I just couldn't bring myself to do anything. I honestly just wanted to hide from the world. My heart was so heavy. I was crushed. I told Jonathan to go ahead without me. I love all of our family, I just didn't have it in me to celebrate.

When Jonathan told me no, that instead he was taking me to my parents' house almost 2 hours away, I was reminded once again of the strong and selfless man I married. The hugs we received from my mom, dad, sisters and brother when we walked in the door did wonders for our broken hearts. Playing board games and laughing with my siblings provided us a much needed distraction from our sadness and when we sat down on my parents' couch after dinner, I looked up at Jonathan with the saddest tears in my eyes and was still able to tell him we have so much to be thankful for. In the midst of my sorrow, I was/am still incredibly aware of the blessings in our life.

In the days and weeks following our sad news, I'm pretty sure I experienced every emotion possible - grief, sadness, peace, frustration, hope, impatience, sometimes all of these in the span of a few hours. I was and still am trying to grieve and heal my heart and that can mean something different for everyone.

I'll be back to share what this journey has been like for us but I think I may have shared enough for today. My heart hurts a bit but writing these words is part of the process for me and it feels good to share our story, even when it isn't all sunshine.