Birthday Thoughts for Scott

I feel like because you all followed along in my relationship with Scotty (The Umpire) from the beginning, I would share that today is his birthday. He would be turning 29 today.

I've come to think of his closest friends as friends of mine over the last several months and he is never far from my mind. I can't even begin to think of what a difficult day today (and most days are) for his family and others who were closest to him.

We were just getting to know each other on his birthday last year and I have such great memories of him from that time. You all know I didn't know him very long, but I hold our memories together very close to my heart, especially the ones where he wasn't ticking me off (okay, maybe even those ones).

I went to the cemetary yesterday to visit with him. This may come as a surprise because I am such a sunshine and rainbows kind of girl, but being at the cemetary, there is something very calming about sitting on his bench and having a chat with him.

I really try to keep myself from wallowing in sadness over him. I know he wouldn't want that and his friends have been such a good example of how to think of him and reminisce in a joyful way.

Visiting him yesterday morning during the middle of a thunderstorm, I wanted to keep that up. After sitting there under my umbrella for a few minutes, I tossed my umbrella to the side and danced around in the rain. I stood there twirling, smiling and laughing in the pouring rain. Did I look completely nuts? Probably. But from what Scott and most people know about me, I have to think he appreciated the birthday gift.

Would I prefer to bake him a strawberry cheesecake from scratch like I did last year? Absolutely. But knowing he was probably up there watching and laughing (and probably shaking his head in embarrassment for me) made me feel a little better.

Grieving

I apologize for the back-to-back Debbie Downer posts. I promise things will be back to normal shortly. My goal with this blog is to write about my life and how I am living it in a way that makes me happy. I know I’m not living up to my “Little Miss Sunshine” title, but just bear with me for one more post.

This week has been tough to say the least. The death of Scott has left me feeling so regretful and heartbroken.

Regrets 

I’ve never been one to regret anything. One of my biggest things is that I don’t think you should regret anything, because at one point it was the right decision. I’ve never known the feeling of true regret until now. I don’t regret breaking things off with Scott when I did, but I regret so many other things that happened after that. I regret acting the way I’ve been acting. I wanted him to fight for me, and when he didn’t, I was rude to him about it. That’s not the person I am.

The Grieving Process

I’ve been thinking a lot about the grieving process. I’ve grieved the deaths of loved ones before and my reaction and healing has been different each time. I guess with this one, I’m feeling so many things at the same time.

I still can’t accept that this happened. I can’t wrap my head around it.

I am so angry. I’m so angry at him for leaving us like this. I’m mad at him for being so reckless. I’m angry at the timing and unfairness of life sometimes. It’s hard to accept that it was his time to go. I don’t want to be angry, especially not with him.

Blessings

Through Scott, I was lucky enough to meet his wonderfully strong and supportive friends. Being around them, I feel an incredible amount of comfort. Together, they are able to laugh and celebrate Scotty. It is what he would want and I’m so glad they include me in it.

As I told his mother last night at the viewing, Scott brought an incredible amount of fun and laughter into my life in the short time I knew him. He had a smile that will never be forgotten. The memories he gave me will help me through this and I know everything will be okay. I was lucky enough to know him and that is a blessing in itself.

As cliché as it may be, I know Scotty wouldn’t want me to be crying or sad right now. It will be okay. I’m looking forward to that day, because right now it seems far away.  

Thank you all for putting up with this. Even if you don’t read it or didn’t enjoy it, it is helping me right now to write what I’m feeling. Thanks for your patience. I hope everyone is having a good week. To end on an uplifting note, I’ll share a quote with you…

"Be strong now because things will get better. It may be stormy now, but it can't rain forever."

A Sad Story

The sun isn’t shining in my world today, literally or figuratively. I woke up this morning and for a split second, it was just another day…like everything that happened yesterday was just a bad dream. It didn’t take long for that moment to pass.

Scott, known to all of you as The Umpire, died early Friday morning.  He wrecked his truck driving home from a night out with his friends. Like several other Thursday nights, he played softball, went to his favorite bar with the guys and then to the country bar we both frequent.

At his favorite bar just a few days after we met

I know that nothing I could’ve done differently or changed about the last few weeks would make a difference, but I can’t help but feel so much regret. The last time we talked, I was sarcastic and rude to him. I've been so mad at him after hearing from several people that he wasn’t a good guy…that I should’ve known better. That was a few weeks ago. Since then, I intended to text him just to let him know there were no hard feelings.

I also knew that it was only a matter of time before he snuck up behind me at the gym and we would talk and he would manage to make me laugh and smile no matter how tough I wanted to come across and everything would be fine. To think that the last time we spoke was weeks ago and it was such a negative, immature conversation is devastating to me.

I’m so mad. I’m mad at him for being so reckless and I’m mad at myself for being mad at him right now. I’m heartbroken for his amazing family and his good friends. I’m trying to figure out how I’m ever going to go to the gym again and not look around for him. With this flood of emotions, I want to make sure I never forget a few things that stood out the most to me in the short time he was in my life...

• One night just after we met, I met him and his friends at a bar. I was leaving the next day to go out of town for the weekend. At the end of the night, I said goodbye to him at his truck. He wasn’t happy about me leaving for the weekend and I remember him giving me the longest, strongest hug. I told him I’d miss him and he looked up at me with that handsome smile and said, “You’re the one that is leaving. When did I say it was okay for you to leave me for so long?” Now, all I want to do is hug him really hard and say the same words to him.

• After dating for about a week, him and his friends came downtown with a huge group of us to celebrate my 25^th birthday. By the end of the night when I could no longer walk in my heels, he carried me in his arms through downtown Orlando. It’s not that he just carried me, but he had that same big smile on his face that attracted me to him so much. When he finally put me down, he took his own shoes off and made me wear them so my feet didn’t get dirty. I looked so silly, but I was overwhelmed by how cute and sweet that was.

• Just a few months later, we celebrated his birthday at Cowboys, the country bar we both frequented. I teased him all night about getting him on the dance floor with me. I did this a lot and every now and then I was successful. After dragging him out there for a slow song as the bar was getting ready to close, instead of rushing off after, he kept going! When the Cha Cha Slide came on, I thought for sure he would make a beeline for the door, with about 12 people left in the whole bar, Scott and I got down to that song on the dance floor. This song is definitely not my kinda music and definitely wasn’t his, but it was hilarious to be out there with him dancing like that. I laughed so hard that night.

 

Scott, I want you to know that I care about you. I know no matter what, we would have been friends for a long time. Your smile is infectious and even thinking of it now, I can’t help but smile too. I’m glad I met you. I’m glad to have known you and to have met your family and friends. Please look out for all of us. xoxo

I Talked to The Umpire and Can't Even Come Up With a Cute Title

I finally had the conversation with The Umpire last week and it went better than I expected, which actually made it harder. I basically told him I wasn’t happy and didn’t know what to do about it…that maybe we moved too fast and never just knew each other. We met and started dating and maybe we need to just take a step back and be in each other’s lives without being in a relationship for a while. I told him that while I am really indecisive about silly things, when it comes to life decisions and relationships, I always know exactly what I want and how I feel. The fact that I don’t know how I feel about us isn’t fair to him or me.

I don’t really know what I was expecting, but he was so completely sweet and understanding it kind of made me wonder what the hell I was doing. He made it clear that he genuinely cares about me and went out of his way to make sure I knew he didn’t hate me, that he could never hate me.

Since we talked, he has been great about keeping in touch, saying hi when he wants to and asking me to hang out and I couldn’t ask for a better scenario right now. Maybe a step back was all I needed and things may become a lot clearer now that we aren’t so enthralled in an exclusive relationship. Could we get back together eventually? Who knows. I’m not ruling it out. Anything could happen, you just have to remember that you are doing the right thing and that everything will work out. 

California Girl

My trip to California was everything I hoped it would be. I had a great time with my coworkers, met a lot of great people, worked really hard but had a lot of fun, too.  We even came back with a handful of new clients and I found that clarity I needed when it comes to The Umpire. Where do I start? I think I’ll break this up into sections because there is just too much to cover!

Highlights of my Trip 

My boss took us to Disneyland for the day before the convention started and even treated us to lunch at Club 33! Walking around Disneyland in July is by far much more enjoyable than Disney World this time of year. The sun is shining, it is beautiful, but California doesn’t have the Florida humidity that makes you feel like you might pass out.

Sparkly Minnie ears were a must!

Riding the train

While at the convention, my boss paid for us to get professional headshots taken for our website and marketing materials, which meant getting our makeup and hair professionally done, resulting in everyone calling me Elle Woods/PR Barbie for the rest of the convention. Either way, I can’t wait to see how the photos came out!

If any of you watched Jake’s season of The Bachelor on ABC, you might remember Michelle. She was the one who had the painfully awkward kiss with Jake and was rarely shown on camera not crying. This is so random, but I met her! She was serving drinks at the hotel bar and I immediately recognized her. It took me a minute to figure out who she was and afraid that she might go crazy on me, I finally said “Please don’t get upset with me, but were you on The Bachelor?” She was actually really nice about and I even got a picture with her so I could show my girlfriends back at home. Too funny!

Michelle from The Bachelor

The Umpire: A Tough Call

I set off to California hoping that some distance would help me decide if I wanted to end things with The Umpire. I haven’t gone too much in detail about things, but I haven’t been completely satisfied with how things were with us lately. I feel like things started off really great and maybe we moved too fast, because all of the things I really liked about him at first either changed or started to become an issue for me. When we first started seeing each other, it was like he couldn’t get enough of me. He would invite me out with his friends all the time and while I told him I didn’t want to intrude on boy’s night, he would also comfort me saying he wanted me there and we’d always have a blast. He was really sweet and thoughtful and went out of his way for me. We made equal effort. It seemed like the moment I let me guard down and started opening up to him, all that behavior stopped. I understand that there comes a point in most relationships where that initial excitement fades and maybe my expectations are too high, but I need more…especially when we are only a few months in. When I first met The Umpire, I really loved how fun he was. He liked to be social and go out like I did. We could go out together with a group and have a blast. I recently started to realize that he took that a little too far. I don’t want to sound like a hypocrite because I often go out on weeknights and stay out a little too late, but I feel like going out with your guy friends to the same bar, three nights in a row is a bit much when you are 28-years-old. I don’t know if these things bothered me because I really care about him or because I am subconsciously sabotaging things, but either way it isn’t good. There are things I really like…I love his family, I have fun with him, he is successful and hard working.

The moment of clarity I was looking for came on Saturday. I had been in California for three days and Saturday was the first official day of the convention. I was already in a funk because he hadn’t been in touch with me very much and didn’t seem to be bothered at all by the fact that I was away. I spent 8 hours on my feet working our booth at the convention and I was exhausted. When I looked at my phone realized I hadn’t heard from him all day, I simply texted, “I’m exhausted.” His response? “OK.” OK? Really? I wasn’t looking for a pity party, but a little bit of positivity or consideration would’ve gone a long way. One of the biggest things I try to bring to a relationship is emotional balance. When my friend, my sister, my significant other or my coworker is feeling down, tired or sad, I try to balance that out with positivity, support, enthusiasm….whatever I think will help. I kind of expect the person I am with to be that person for me. I know it probably sounds like I am being dramatic, but his response really bothered me. While it isn’t the single reason I decided to end things, it gave me that “moment” I needed to finally make up my mind. There are so many things I like about him and has a lot of what I need in a relationship…a good family, a good job, a good social life and so much more. But I need emotional support too, and I think that is where we are lacking.

While I made the decision during my trip, I really wanted to have a face-to-face conversation with him and explain where I am coming from. We live in the same area, go to the same gym…we have kickball coming up. I want to be able to end things on a good note. Anyway, I am home now and have yet to have a face-to-face conversation with The Umpire. When I told him we needed to talk, he said he was “going out with the guys and could we do it tomorrow?” That solidified my decision, but our schedules haven’t lined up for me to officially break things off with him. I hope this is the right decision, but that’s the thing about decisions…you don’t always know if they are the right one until it might be too late. You can only act based on what you feel and right now, I just don’t feel like this is right.

 

Confused & Going to California

I’m leaving for Anaheim, CA tomorrow and the timing couldn’t be better. I am confused. I need to get out of town. I need distance…not from anyone or anything in particular, just distance.

I am feeling a little confused about The Umpire. I don’t know if I just have unrealistic expectations of a relationship, but I find myself questioning my feelings. I know I like him, I know we have a great time together, but I can’t shake this doubtful feeling. I know a perfect relationship doesn’t exist…that everyone has struggles, doubts and bad days. It’s just hard to know whether to give it time to figure things out or if it just isn’t meant to be. While I don’t necessarily condone running away as a way to solve things, I think it will be good to get some distance. I am going away for work so I’ll be busy and maybe I’ll gain a new perspective by stepping away from things for a few days.

Needless to say, I’m overwhelmed by my thoughts and a little confused. I know things will sort themselves out, but dang, I am constantly amazed by how confusing relationships can be. Carrie Bradshaw said it best…

“Does anybody really know when it’s right? And how do you know – are there signs? Fireworks? Is it right when it feels comfortable or is comfortable a sign that there’s no fireworks? Is hesitation a sign that it’s not right, or is it just a sign that you’re not ready? In matters of love how do you know when it’s right?”

Anyway, on another note…I’m looking forward to my trip. I’ve never been to California and I’m excited to represent our company….hoping we bring back lots of clients and I know I’m going to have a great time with my coworkers, who I’m lucky enough to also call my friends.

May: A Birthday, a Boy, a Beach and a Bride

It’s Friday night and I’m staying in. For the first time in a while, I am not rushing out the door to go on a date, to meet the girls, to kickball, to work or away for the weekend. I finally have some alone time. I’m catching up on the DVR and being super lazy on the couch. So it’s time to fill you in all the fun stuff I’ve been up. Between my birthday, a trip to the beach with my girlfriends, meeting The Umpire and traveling to Minnesota for my cousin’s wedding, it’s hard to believe so much fun could happen in one month!

My 25^th Birthday

I turned 25 on May 12. Some of my friends were telling me that turning 25 was going to freak me out, but I felt nothing but excitement over celebrating another birthday! I am exactly where I want to be right now, happier than I ever could’ve imagined being at 25. Who could feel anything but happiness over that?

Me and the girls celebrating downtown.

Girls’ Weekend at the Beach

I’ve had this beach weekend planned with Taryn and Sam since the beginning of the year so I’m really glad we made it happen. We spent three days at St. Petersburg beach and had an absolute blast! With how stressful work has been over the last few months, it was so nice to get out of town and relax.

We might have started a bar crawl at 3 p.m. and actually crawled to the last stop. Such classy ladies. 

After a few stops on the bar crawl. 

We had a picnic at sunset with strawberries and mimosas. We laughed and danced around. It was heaven.

Most relaxing part of the weekend.

Minnesota for my Cousin’s Wedding

When I say I was excited about my cousin’s wedding, I don’t think that quite gets the point across. If you know me at all, you know that I have been dying for someone to get married so I can go to a wedding. My cousin was an absolutely beautiful bride, the wedding was lovely and I was so touched when she asked me to do a reading at the ceremony. Me? Of all people? It really meant a lot to me. Needless to say, the wedding and whole weekend was amazing! Oh yeah, also spent 7 hours at The Mall of America that weekend. Wow.

Best part of the weekend? My whole family was together. 

What a beauty.

The cake was amazing!

In between all these celebrations, I’ve been seeing a whole lot of The Umpire and enjoying every minute, work has been busy and stressful (but going well overall) and our kickball team has managed to make it into the championship, which is next week! Life is busy, exciting, silly and chaotic…I wouldn’t want it any other way though! But sometimes…I need to remind myself of this:

"Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving." Albert Einstein

Introducing…The Umpire

Things are happening faster than I could possibly blog about them. I need to get to bed so I can get up at 5:30 a.m. and work out, but I MUST fill you in on the complete turn of events in my love life over the last two weeks. You might remember when I mentioned the umpire I was flirting with at my kickball game a few weeks ago. If you don’t remember, I mentioned it here. Well I didn’t think much of it, but just a few days later, he had tracked me down on Facebook. I was shocked when I got his message. Laughing because it sure as hell wasn't my sweet kickball skills that sparked his interest. We chatted a bit and ended up making plans to get drinks that weekend.

That Sunday, I met up with The Umpire for a few drinks. We ended up talking for hours, being the last to leave the bar. My first impression was that he isn’t my normal type. He has earrings, a tattoo, has a motorcycle, and is into racing cars…not like anyone I had ever dated before. None of that seemed to matter as I sat there getting to know him that night. He has an amazing smile, is really easy to talk to, owns his own company, he is really sweet and considerate and has his feet on the ground. Since I met him less than two weeks ago, he has taken me out for my birthday, invited me to his softball games, celebrated my birthday with my friends, sisters and brother, introduced me to his closest friends and has been completely open with how he feels about me.

I’m trying to take it one day at a time and get to know him, but I can’t help thinking about how funny life is. Things happen when you least expect them and I am constantly amazed by that.

There are so many fun things going on that I want to tell you all about. I had an amazing birthday full of fun, have a girl’s beach trip coming up this weekend and my cousin’s wedding in Minnesota next weekend. I might have to do one huge post to tell you about all that fun when it’s all over!

Hope everyone is having a happy week!