Grieving

I apologize for the back-to-back Debbie Downer posts. I promise things will be back to normal shortly. My goal with this blog is to write about my life and how I am living it in a way that makes me happy. I know I’m not living up to my “Little Miss Sunshine” title, but just bear with me for one more post.

This week has been tough to say the least. The death of Scott has left me feeling so regretful and heartbroken.

Regrets 

I’ve never been one to regret anything. One of my biggest things is that I don’t think you should regret anything, because at one point it was the right decision. I’ve never known the feeling of true regret until now. I don’t regret breaking things off with Scott when I did, but I regret so many other things that happened after that. I regret acting the way I’ve been acting. I wanted him to fight for me, and when he didn’t, I was rude to him about it. That’s not the person I am.

The Grieving Process

I’ve been thinking a lot about the grieving process. I’ve grieved the deaths of loved ones before and my reaction and healing has been different each time. I guess with this one, I’m feeling so many things at the same time.

I still can’t accept that this happened. I can’t wrap my head around it.

I am so angry. I’m so angry at him for leaving us like this. I’m mad at him for being so reckless. I’m angry at the timing and unfairness of life sometimes. It’s hard to accept that it was his time to go. I don’t want to be angry, especially not with him.

Blessings

Through Scott, I was lucky enough to meet his wonderfully strong and supportive friends. Being around them, I feel an incredible amount of comfort. Together, they are able to laugh and celebrate Scotty. It is what he would want and I’m so glad they include me in it.

As I told his mother last night at the viewing, Scott brought an incredible amount of fun and laughter into my life in the short time I knew him. He had a smile that will never be forgotten. The memories he gave me will help me through this and I know everything will be okay. I was lucky enough to know him and that is a blessing in itself.

As cliché as it may be, I know Scotty wouldn’t want me to be crying or sad right now. It will be okay. I’m looking forward to that day, because right now it seems far away.  

Thank you all for putting up with this. Even if you don’t read it or didn’t enjoy it, it is helping me right now to write what I’m feeling. Thanks for your patience. I hope everyone is having a good week. To end on an uplifting note, I’ll share a quote with you…

"Be strong now because things will get better. It may be stormy now, but it can't rain forever."