The Rain on our Parade

I have been working on this post for weeks. I sit down and write a few pieces of this story and I need to put it away for a while until I feel brave again. I am torn between having so much to say and nothing to say at all. I've been praying to find the words. I've been praying for courage and strength. I've been praying for grace.

Guys, I love sharing our joy through writing and blogging, but I don’t want to avoid sharing the not-so-great stuff. I want to share the struggles because they are part of our story.

Recently, I've shared all the joy and celebrating we’ve had over the last few months and there is no doubt that life has been so good to us. What I haven't shared is that in November, it rained on our parade a bit.

We knew early on that we didn't want to wait long before starting a family together after we got married. I want to say it was March or April when we really started trying to get pregnant and on October 21 at about 3:00 in the morning, we were wide awake celebrating the positive pregnancy test we’d been praying for. We were fairly certain we were pregnant and ously couldn’t sleep so I got up at 3 a.m. to take another test. There was no doubt about it – we were officially pregnant and couldn’t have been more thrilled! So thrilled, that I never went back to sleep that night – I was just too over-the-moon excited. I was only 4 weeks along at that point - it was early.

We all know the facts. We know how likely a miscarriage is in the first 12 weeks. But knowing the facts doesn’t make it any easier to cope when it becomes your reality.

Sadly, the day before Thanksgiving at our 8 week appointment, we learned we had lost the baby. We looked at the screen to find the same image we’d seen at our ultrasound 2 weeks earlier - a speck. No heartbeat. Nothing. I knew it as soon as I looked up and I'm certain Jonathan did as well. I laid back listening to him try to make conversation with the ultrasound tech and her staying completely silent until finally saying it out loud to us. I couldn’t even look at Jonathan. I was so heartbroken for him – for us.

I can't compare what I felt at that moment to anything I've ever felt before. Devastation? I don't know. Even devastation doesn't cover it. When you find out your pregnant, it's a time full of such genuine hope and joy. We basked in that joy and hope and in an instant, it was ripped away.

The next day was Thanksgiving, my favorite day of the year. We were supposed to be staying in town and spending the day with Jonathan's grandparents and parents, but I just couldn't bring myself to do anything. I honestly just wanted to hide from the world. My heart was so heavy. I was crushed. I told Jonathan to go ahead without me. I love all of our family, I just didn't have it in me to celebrate.

When Jonathan told me no, that instead he was taking me to my parents' house almost 2 hours away, I was reminded once again of the strong and selfless man I married. The hugs we received from my mom, dad, sisters and brother when we walked in the door did wonders for our broken hearts. Playing board games and laughing with my siblings provided us a much needed distraction from our sadness and when we sat down on my parents' couch after dinner, I looked up at Jonathan with the saddest tears in my eyes and was still able to tell him we have so much to be thankful for. In the midst of my sorrow, I was/am still incredibly aware of the blessings in our life.

In the days and weeks following our sad news, I'm pretty sure I experienced every emotion possible - grief, sadness, peace, frustration, hope, impatience, sometimes all of these in the span of a few hours. I was and still am trying to grieve and heal my heart and that can mean something different for everyone.

I'll be back to share what this journey has been like for us but I think I may have shared enough for today. My heart hurts a bit but writing these words is part of the process for me and it feels good to share our story, even when it isn't all sunshine.