Jackson Luke: One Month Old

Hello! I should backtrack and say that Jackson Luke was born on June 20, 2018 at 12:02 PM via emergency c-section. Maybe I will share the full birth story someday (Emma is 2 and I still haven't gotten around to writing hers) but the short version is that the umbilical cord was wrapped around his neck. Every time I pushed, his heart rate went down and after only a few tries, the doctor made the call and rushed me to the OR. I'm so grateful to my doctor for making the call rather quickly and getting this sweet boy out into the world safely.

Jackson Luke Snyder :: June 20, 2018 :: 7 lbs, 9 oz.

Somehow this precious boy has already been part of our world for 1 month! 

THE HIGHLIGHTS

- One month stats: 8 lbs. 12 oz.; 20.5"

- We pushed through some serious challenges (i.e. mastitis) and made it through the first month exclusively breastfeeding

- Jackson gets tons of hugs and kisses from his big sister every day, but also gets poked in the eye and kicked in the head on occasion. There is no doubt he is loved by her, but she hasn't quite grasped how fragile he is yet!

- At one month, he's pretty much outgrown most of his newborn sized clothes and wearing mostly 0-3 months 

- At the end of his first month, Jackson was starting to sleep for longer stretches at night typically going down around 9:30/10 and waking up around 2 or 3 a.m., then waking up again around 6 a.m. Those middle of the night wake ups are totally manageable assuming he nurses for 30 minutes or so and goes back down easily, but that hasn't necessarily been the case every night

- At only about 10 days old, we took Jackson and Emma "away" (not really away, but about a 45 minute drive from us) for a staycation with some of our friends for a weekend. The timing was not ideal and Jonathan ended up taking me to the emergency room that Saturday night to get treated for mastitis, BUT I'm still glad we went! 

- Jackson loves to snuggle and does really well in my Happy Baby wrap. He's started to become more aware of his surroundings and we love to catch him watching me or Jonathan. 

A few snapshots from Jackson's first month:

 Jackson's first month was a serious rollercoaster of emotions, but I think we're all starting to settle into our new normal. We're all incredibly smitten with this sweet boy!

Baby #2: We're in the Home Stretch!

Hello! With less 2 weeks until our due date, I wanted to pop back in here with one final pregnancy update. I can't believe we are so close to meeting this boy!

Pregnancy is so weird. You go nine months counting down and being so ready for the pregnancy part to be over -- the back pain, swelling, heart burn, general discomfort and other unpleasant symptoms. You anxiously count down the weeks because you can't wait for what's next - loving on a sweet, tiny baby. Then as you finally near the end of this journey, you find yourself wanting to savor the being pregnant part because you realize any day now it could be over. There is no feeling like the feeling of a baby moving around inside you and suddenly you realize how much you'll miss those kicks and tumbles. Like I've said before, I don't know what the future holds for our family, but knowing that we could decide we are perfectly happy with two kids has me wanting to soak in these last few weeks even more.

I know my pregnancy updates have been sparse and pretty random this time around, so this post will likely be all over the place, too!

How I'm Feeling
My answer to this typically depends on how well I slept the night before because after a long night of little sleep, my coping skills fly out the window. Aside from sleep issues, I'm still dealing with regular heart burn and serious lower back pain most days, but otherwise I can't really complain.

On My Mind
As we've approached these last few weeks of pregnancy, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't feeling a bit anxious. The general anticipation and excitement is one thing, but I've definitely found myself feeling anxious about labor, breastfeeding, adjusting to life with 2 kids, etc. It's funny because I expected to feel so cool and calm this time around since I've been through it once before, but it's kind of been the opposite. Ignorance is bliss and I think with my first pregnancy, while we took a class at the hospital and did our best to prepare, I still didn't know what to expect so leading up to it all I remember feeling is excitement.

Emma's birth wasn't traumatic in any way, but circumstances like her being posterior, getting stuck on my pubic bone, me pushing for 2.5 hours and her having to spend the first 12 hours of her life in the transition nursery have me wondering how things will be different this time. I wouldn't say I'm worried as much as it just being on my mind a lot, but I'm reminding myself that despite the circumstances that didn't go as I'd hoped with Emma's birth, she is healthy as can be and I would go through it again in a heartbeat. No matter how things go down this time, the end result is all that matters but I definitely wouldn't mind being one of those women who say they pushed twice and boom! baby was here!

One thing that's helping me feel more relaxed as we near the end of pregnancy is Jonathan's schedule. He has more flexibility with work than he ever has before, which has been great in these last few weeks but will be a big deal when we go into labor and then as we settle into a new normal at home. It's easing my mind a lot to know he'll be able to manage his schedule and be available to help more, especially in those first few days home with the baby.

Nursery Progress
We just put the finishing touches on this in the last few days and I'm so happy with this space! It could maybe use a few more things on the walls, but I don't love to buy things for the sake of filling space, so if I come across something later on that I like, we could always add to it.

Final Prep

My hospital bag is about 90% packed aside from a few last minute things I'll throw in when it's time to go. I took a day last week and cooked a few freezer meals to have on hand. I spent an entire afternoon cooking and really only ended up with maybe 6 dinners but even if it gets us through the first few days back at home, I know it will be helpful. 

I need to get a bag together for Emma since she'll be with her grandparents while we are in the hospital. Speaking of Emma, I'm also working on putting together a little basket of fun toys for her that I can take out when I'm nursing to keep her entertained. She's been loving stickers lately and has started to get into coloring, too so I think a few fun things like this and maybe a puzzle will be perfect for this. I've heard this tip from a lot of moms and I think it might help especially in those first few weeks.

Other than those things, we are ready to rock and roll. In the meantime, I'm trying to stay on top of the work I do for Jonathan so that whenever the time comes, things don't fall too behind on that end. We're also hosting Jonathan's 30th birthday party (an old school field day with water balloon toss, dodgeball and other fun games) at our house this weekend and even though in a way, I felt like we overcommitted a bit planning this 10 days before our due date, preparing for this and having a few things on my to do list to get ready will be good for me this week. We also have so many people helping out so that I really don't have to do much so I'm thankful for that!

Right now I'm really trying to relax and enjoy this last bit of time before the baby arrives. I've heard from so many moms that the hardest part of transitioning from one to two kids is just missing that one-on-one time with their first born. Needless to say, I've been really trying to soak up this time with Emma before we add her baby brother into the mix. I know things are going to be fine and we'll have a new normal here very soon that we'll love just the same, but I'm certainly a little emotional about the changes coming our way.

Emotions are high right now and allll over the place, but I'm feeling so grateful for a healthy pregnancy, our beautiful little family and a husband who is all in 100% of the time. Emma is going to be the sweetest big sister and I'm anxious to finally lay eyes on our sweet boy any day now. 

The Scoop on Baby #2: Part 2

Is anyone surprised that it took me 6 weeks to get back here for the second part of this post? I'm not, but I'm glad to have some time to write today. My sister texted me late in the day yesterday offering to take Emma for the day so I could have some time to myself. I took her up on it knowing I could get in a few errands and squeeze in some writing time. 

I'm already in my 30th week of pregnancy, so if I don't get this post out now this baby boy will be here before I ever get back again! This pregnancy continues to fly by which is obviously great because we can't wait to meet this baby, but I'm also trying to soak up this time. I don't know what the future holds for us, but there is definitely a possibility that this could be my last pregnancy. That and knowing Emma's time as an only child is coming to an end have me wishing time would slow down so I can truly enjoy these last several weeks. 

I've obviously been horrible about documenting this pregnancy, so I guess I have a lot to share. 

It makes to sense to start with the question pregnant people get asked the most, "How are you feeling?" I'm feeling pretty good! At 30 weeks, my biggest complaints are lower back pain, crappy sleep and severe discomfort thanks to my boobs being monstrous (literally). Wearing a bra is torture lately, so much that we left a wedding fairly early in the evening recently because I literally could not keep my bra on another minute. 

I was dealing with some serious heartburn, but I adjusted a few things in my diet and it seems to be helping (with sleep, too!). I considered myself so lucky with my first pregnancy in that I didn't experience morning sickness at all and thankfully, this time around has been similar. I'd say the only big difference this time around has been the exhaustion and emotions being a little more intense, but I'm also spending my days with a busy, energetic toddler so I'm sure that's a huge factor. 

Is Emma excited to be a big sister? Well, I can't say she really understands what is happening. At 20-months-old, she's known the word "baby" since we found out we were pregnant and she's also happened to take more interest in her baby doll over the last few months. Whenever she takes her baby doll out, I've tried to encourage her to love on her baby and she will hold it up to her face and snuggle with it. When we see a baby out in public, she excitedly shouts "baby!" and is so eager to walk up to see up close. I'm encouraged by all of this, but as far as understanding that we're going to have a baby in our house soon that she'll have to share attention with...I don't think she's there yet and that's okay! 

I was in a really good place with my health/fitness when we found out we were pregnant. The timing is actually really funny because I had just made it back down to a smaller size in jeans, which I had ordered online and was so excited to actually need to buy a smaller size. Ironically, these jeans came in the mail just a few days after finding out I was pregnant. I joked with Jonathan that I'd be wearing them every day until I couldn't fit into them so I could enjoy them even for a short time. 

But seriously, I had come a long way in getting back to a happy weight and fitness level for myself. I've been pregnant and now seen that I can (maybe not super quickly) get my body back to (or better) than before, but I also knew I wanted to try to maintain healthier habits this pregnancy. With Emma, I I exercised here and there through my 1st trimester and it seriously tapered off after that. I'd recently realized how much better I felt when I was staying active, so I promised myself I'd try harder this time. 

I was able to keep up my routine of working out 4-5 times a week through my 9th week of pregnancy. I was doing an hour of barre and 30 minutes of spin once a week, running a few miles once or twice a week and mixing in some strength and cardio work throughout. From weeks 9 to about 20, I was still trying to get 2-3 workouts in a week and sometimes that just didn't happen and I did't get too worked up when a whole week went by with nothing. The last 10 weeks have been a little more sporadic. Some weeks I'm motivated and energized to at least get a walk in and other weeks, I've had zero motivation to exercise. I'm not overthinking it and certainly not beating myself up when I have those down weeks. My philosophy right now is exercise of any kind, at any frequency is better than nothing. Either way, I'm really happy with how I've done thus far staying fairly active through this pregnancy. 

As far as preparations for baby go, we have a name we are pretty committed to, but not quite ready to share with the world yet. In the last few weeks, we've made some major progress on the nursery, which used to be Jonathan's office. Once we cleared out the room, we painted and got the crib put together (I don't know why I'm saying we...this was all Jonathan. Last weekend, we got the dresser put together and I've added a few details here and there like a changing pad, toy bin and even picked up some wall decor. We'll be moving the rocker from Emma's room into the nursery and probably getting her a play table to put in that space, but I'm not ready to make that move yet. It may sound silly, but I'm not emotionally ready to move the rocker out of her room yet and we obviously don't need to do that until we're a little closer. 

I found so much joy getting Emma's nursery planned out and organized and I've been loving every second of it this time around. Folding itty bitty baby clothes and organizing toys and things really puts me in my happy place. Knowing in just weeks we'll have a sweet boy in this house is so surreal and I love anticipating it all. 

Things I'm looking forward to:

• After debating back and forth for a while, we decided on planning a short babymoon for Jonathan and I. I kept convincing myself that we didn't need to spend the money on a trip for us with everything going on, but in the end I'm so glad we planned something. We're headed to Jensen Beach in early May for a weekend getaway and I'm seriously looking forward to some downtime and sunbathing with my man.
• My sweet friend Jesse insisted on planning some sort of celebration for baby boy. I really didn't want a huge production seeing how we have most of what we need this time around and it's a huge undertaking to host a shower and deal with all the details of that. She suggested we plan on doing brunch at a fun place with a small group of ladies to celebrate and that sounded pretty perfect to me. It doesn't require a ton of coordination on her end and I'm really looking forward to a casual celebration with some special ladies. 
• We'll have one more ultrasound around 34 weeks. I always look forward to these! At my appointment last week, my doctor actually confirmed that baby is already head down, which was so good to hear. I remember Emma turned really early too and it's just nice to know baby is getting prepared! 

Memorable moments:

• My favorite part of this pregnancy has been the last hour or so of sleep in the morning when Jonathan inevitably finds his way to me in bed and lays his hand over my belly. This baby becomes so active as soon as Jonathan's hands are there and it's so so special. I love laying with him still half asleep as we both soak in these baby movements together. In the chaos of our day-to-day, I truly treasure these quiet moments just the two of us basking in the joys of pregnancy together. 
• Emma woke up from a nap last week and when I went to her crib to pick her up, she leaned over and hugged my belly. It was the first time it seemed like she maybe understood her baby brother is in there and it may have just been a coincidence, but it was so sweet!

Phew. I feel like that kind of covers it. I still feel so overwhelmed and grateful that we get to do this again. I'm so excited to add a little boy to our family. Jonathan has been pretty outnumbered thus far -- girl baby, girl dog and girl cat! 

Pregnancy is kind of a roller coaster - one minute you're up at 3 a.m. uncomfortable, having to pee... again, wondering how you're going to make it two more months and the next minute, your sitting on the floor playing with your toddler and the baby in your belly is bouncing around and you're wanting to bask in the joy of that moment. Emotions are high, to say the least! 

The Scoop on Baby #2: Part 1

When I think about pregnancy #2 so far, the first thought that comes to mind is how quickly it has flown by already!

That kind of explains why I have so little of this pregnancy documented. It's been so fast. I remember being pregnant with Emma and the weeks just dragging on in anticipation. The first trimester with Emma felt like 3 years of my life and it wasn't because I was sick or miserable. It just felt long and slow because it was my first time down this road and I was so focused on every little detail. Having a toddler Emma Joy running around keeping me busy probably has a lot to do with why it's been so different for me this time. My attention is on so many other things that I'm not so focused on things week-by-week.

I guess I should start with finding out we were pregnant. We'd decided in August to start trying for another baby and went into it being pretty reasonable about our expectations. Getting pregnant the first time definitely wasn't as easy as we'd anticipated and we wanted to be realistic this time accepting that it could take some time. We knew we'd be thrilled if we were pregnant immediately and also knew that if it took some time, we were okay with that, too. We were in a good place. We went into it not wanting to get wrapped up in the process and just let it happen as it's meant to. I'm glad we did because God blessed us with this gift rather quickly.

The only pregnancy symptom I felt early on with Emma was extremely sore breasts. I remember it wasn't a pre-menstrual kind of sore, but much more uncomfortable. In the first weekend of October, those same familiar symptoms arrived and while I hoped it meant we were pregnant, I also knew I was due for my period in a few days so it could be nothing. I shared this with Jonathan who was immediately convinced we were pregnant. He's typically one to play it cool and not get overly excited in an effort to help manage my expectations. He was convinced, though (and proceeded to share how convinced he was with our friends that weekend)! I have to admit his enthusiastic certainty was contagious and I prayed he was right.

Monday came along and since I'd been tracking everything for a few months, I knew I was a day or so out from my period. I didn't wake up that day planning on taking a pregnancy test, but we got home from the gym and after putting Emma down for a nap, I was about to jump in the shower when I decided I'd go ahead and take one. I had a few stocked up and figured if I was pregnant, it would show up on a test by now. I just had to know one way or another.

I took the test, laid it on the bathroom counter and went about my business shockingly not obsessing over it. When I got out of the shower, I casually picked up the test fulling expecting it to be negative and was so incredibly shocked to see the word Pregnant staring back at me. I couldn't believe it. I sat on our bed for a few minutes in my towel just staring at the test. One word. Just one word with so much emotion attached to it. I paced around for a good ten minutes repeating "OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD." It took everything I had not to call Jonathan and scream "You were right!!!" into the phone but I knew it would be more satisfying to tell him when he got home from work.

When Emma woke up from her nap, we busted out the crayons and made a little something to give him when he got home.

When Jonathan got home, I told him Emma made something for him so we headed to her bedroom and handed him this. We had a handful of friends who were expecting at the time, so his first reaction was to ask "Who did she make this for?' and before he got the whole question out, tears filled his eyes as he realized what it meant. It was such a sweet moment of pure joy.

We know what an incredible gift it is to conceive and for it to happen for us in such a short time is something I could never take for granted. Even as I write this, I'm right back there in that moment of pure shock and excitement finding out this news.

It turns out Jonathan was also right when early on, he was convinced we were having a boy this time. We found out baby #2 is a boy around 12 weeks and since I got the call from the doctor's office during the day, we were able to surprise Jonathan with this news as well!

He came home that day to Emma parading a bunch of blue balloons through the house and his reaction is just another sweet, emotional moment that I will never forget.

This is getting pretty lengthy, so I think I'll end this here and come back to share Part 2 (more about how this pregnancy is going and where we are on a name, nursery, etc). Thank you for sharing in our joy and excitement as we add another little one to the family! In the meantime, we are so looking forward to meeting this little boy and focusing on soaking up the time we have left with Emma Joy as as an only child.

I'm back after a not-so-brief hiatus!

Hello!

Holy cow. I did not intend to take several months off from posting here. I may not have a huge following or readers chomping at the bit for new content from me, but I have really missed writing and sharing. If nothing else, this blog serves as an outlet for me and an opportunity to document life as it flies by at a bittersweet speed.

Last time I posted on here, I had just finished a Whole30 (which I still have hopes of writing a post about) and Emma Joy had recently turned one-year-old. I was in the middle of a serious focus on health & fitness, which I posted in detail about right before I disappeared from the Internet.

I'm currently sitting in a Starbucks on a Saturday, sipping coffee, writing this post. I'm alone. I have a new library book in my bag and my only commitment today is a massage in the afternoon. I've needed this day for a while but we are in the midst of a busy season of life and this hasn't been important enough to me to make happen until now. My in-laws offered to take Emma for the day and since Jonathan was planning on working, I knew I had to get out of the house and do all the things I wouldn't do otherwise. Writing is one of those things. It feels good to be back here and I guess I should probably share a few life updates since it's been a while.

I'll start with the biggest news...

Baby #2 is on the way! I'm currently 24 weeks pregnant and obviously not doing a very good job of documenting my pregnancy this time around...oops! We are so thrilled to add another little one to our family and I definitely plan to share more in a separate post about this pregnancy so far. In the meantime, I will say my second pregnancy is flying by and I've been feeling really good but also really emotional all the time.

An Emma Update

Somehow our precious baby girl is 19 months old. Still precious as can be, but it's all been too fast! This stage is so much fun and so rewarding. Our girl has such a silly, fun-loving, easygoing personality and it is such a joy to watch her be her own little person. She loves walking hand-in-hand with us when we're out and about now, pretends to talk on the phone, loves wearing mommy and daddy's shoes around the house, gives kisses and hugs and thinks fruit snacks are LIFE.

18 for 2018

While listening to Gretchen Rubin's Happier podcast at the very end of the year, I was inspired by her suggestion to do an 18 for 2018 list, 18 things you want to do/accomplish/focus on in the next year. I've never loved the idea of one large resolution and coming up with a variety of small or not so small things for the year seemed like a great way to set some goals and expectations without committing to one large, perhaps too broad resolution. It's actually taken me 2 whole months to even complete my list, but I've really enjoyed taking my time to add things as they come to me and deciding what should really be on it. I'm not going to share the whole list here, but here are just a few items on it:

Create Emma’s 1^st year photo book
I actually bought a scrapbook and all kinds of fun supplies to make my own 1st year book for her and after getting one page in and forgetting about it for months, I finally admitted to myself that I was overcommitting. I used Mixbook.com to make a beautiful wedding photo book for Jonathan's Christmas gift and decided I would commit to putting together Emma's 1st year book using the same service. 

Follow a weekly cleaning schedule
One thing I didn't expect when deciding I would stay home with Emma rather than going back to work was how difficult it would for me to stick to a routine and manage my time effectively on a consistent basis. Sometimes I rock at time management and keeping up with all the things at home, but there are too many weeks where I feel like I've failed at all of it. I thought a general cleaning schedule would help me stay accountable and keep up with certain tasks more easily so it never felt like our house was a complete wreck. 

I only put things on here that tend to fall by the wayside and I would end up trying to do all at once. It's helped a lot already in making me feel a little more in control of the house chores.

Find my tribe
Pretty sure this one will get it's own post because I believe it's a topic worth digging into a little deeper, but in a nutshell, I want to make more connections, find new, real friendships with women I can call my people.

Continue exercising at least 3x per week through pregnancy
I was in a really great routine when I found out I was pregnant and I've been able to keep it up at some capacity throughout the last few months. I feel like 3x a week is a reasonable goal and one that allows for flexibility as the type of workout and intensity will definitely change as I get closer to the end. 

Get a prenatal massage
Guys, this is happening today. Praise God!

Read at least 2 books/month
I've always loved reading, but like many things in life, the less I read, the less I care about the fact that I'm not reading. I wanted to get excited about books again and create a habit of picking up a book when I have free time at home, rather than scrolling on my phone or turning on the television. This is going so well! I'm way ahead of my goal at 7 books read in the last two months and I'm so happy about it.

Get Emma baptized 
One unspoken goal Jonathan and I both had last year was to find our church home. We'd been somewhat regularly attending a really big church Jonathan had been part of since he was young. We did our marriage preparation course with this church and really loved the pastor, but knew long term, we wanted to find a smaller church where we could make real connections and feel a sense of community. We spent a few months last year trying out other churches in our area and found our home at Summit Church sometime around November. We love it there and we finally feel like we are part of a tight knit community. With that being said, we feel like now is the perfect time (and place) to focus on getting Emma baptized here. 

Keep a gratitude journal
I've done this sporadically over the years, but never seem to keep it up for more than a few days here and there. It does wonders for my heart and soul to intentionally take out my journal when I get in bed at the end of the day and jot down a few happy thoughts/things from the day. I want this to become a daily happiness habit for me this year.

What to expect here going forward...

I'd love to say I'll be back more frequently with new content and regular posts, but if I've learned anything it's that I can't commit to anything specific with this space right now. Days like today are few and far between...days where I decide to put a hold on everything else while I sit in a coffee shop and write, but I do know that it feels really good to do this. I want to develop a habit of opening up the computer and typing away whenever the mood strikes me so I don't need to set aside a day away from home to do this. Just like reading, the more I write, the more I am inspired and motivated to write. 

In the meantime, I will be back soon to share a more detailed pregnancy post, some home decor updates, a full update on Emma Joy at 19-months-old and more thoughts on finding my tribe and motherhood in general.

Thanks for reading and following along here! 

Better Late Than Never: My Postpartum Health/Fitness Journey

This post has been a looooong time coming. Over the last year, I've had so many thoughts on all things related to my body after having a baby, but I honestly never found the words to share in a blog post.

Long before having Emma, I just knew I wouldn't be one of those unicorn women who drop the pregnancy weight by breastfeeding or better yet, who literally have no explanation but the weight "just fell right off.." I just knew I wouldn't be one of those people. I was okay with that but I knew I'd have to work to get back in shape and drop some weight. What I didn't see coming was how negatively I would allow it to affect me. 

At any given time over the past year, my emotions would sway from frustration over what I felt like I was expected to do to overwhelming self criticism for not being where I should be physically at any given time to throwing up my hands up in frustration and not doing anything about it.

It was an exhausting and unhealthy roller coaster of emotions that I stayed buckled into for way too long after having Emma. 

I'm sure we all have the best of intentions toward the end of pregnancy. We tell ourselves we'll get into a serious workout routine, we'll reign in our eating to drop allll the weight right away. We'll be back to where we want to be in no time and we will have the motivation, will power, energy and focus to do all of this with no problem at all. I can't speak for everyone, but I did have the best of intentions. Then Emma was born and we came home and that went out the window real quick.

Getting my body back was the last thing on my mind. Instead, I was adjusting to being responsible for this tiny little human. I was recovering physically and emotionally from delivery. I was trying to adjust to a new normal with my husband. I was trying to sleep whenever possible. I was trying to remember to shower. I was soaking up sweet newborn snuggles and staring into our baby girl's precious face. I was nursing and constantly concerned whether or not she was getting enough, gaining enough weight, etc. I was navigating the fun that is postpartum hormones and trying to find a balance between keeping up our household and giving myself some grace because I couldn't do it all (duh).

When I did start working out again a few weeks later, I wasn't necessarily motivated. Looking back, I was doing it because I knew it was something I had to do. I was going through the motions for the most part but I wasn't fully committed and being motivated by things other than my own desire to do good for myself set me up for a lot of frustration. I would have a good week or two of working out and eating right and fall of track for weeks before kicking myself in the butt and starting over again. I was forcing it and exercising just to know I did it, but it wasn't doing me any good being so inconsistent with both food and exercise.

This trend went on for months. I tried a few different things to drop weight - shakes, cutting out certain foods, etc. but I was all over the place and would let one bad day derail me completely. Self sabotage is the only way I can describe it. I wanted to do what it took to lose weight and be where I wanted to be again, but I was looking for the fastest way there instead of doing what is right for me and finding a healthy balance for myself.

The worst part of all this is how much space all of this took up in my mind on a daily basis. I would tell myself I was going to exercise or do this or do that and then when I didn't, I would beat myself up about it so much. I was so all over the place trying to decide what to eat/what not to eat or what I would start doing tomorrow. It was exhausting and not healthy even if I had been dropping weight like crazy. Instead of feeling empowered to take better care of myself, I felt shame for getting to where I was. I felt self-conscious and kind of uncomfortable in my own skin. I wanted to feel sexy again and confident but I felt like I was so far from getting there. On the rare occasion when I allowed myself to just have fun and not be so concerned about what I looked like, something would happen that brought me right back to feeling low.

One night in particular stands out to me still. My husband and I were at my friend's wedding back in March. My parents had taken Emma for the night and we booked a room at the wedding venue for the night. We'd had an incredible day together and by the time we made it to the wedding reception, I was feeling relaxed, joyful, beautiful and confident. We were in line for a drink talking to another couple we didn't know when the husband asked me when I was due. I was completely caught off guard and while I wanted to walk away and go cry in the bathroom for the rest of the night, I somehow managed to gracefully respond telling him I wasn't pregnant. As a sidenote (and this topic probably deserves a separate post), can people everywhere just know that you should never, under any circumstances ask a woman this question? It blows my mind that this happens along with so many other things that just shouldn't be said to a woman ever. Questions like this are so well-intentioned that you can't help but shrug it off because the person didn't know any better and didn't mean to be hurtful but enough is enough. You could literally ask me a thousand other questions that don't have the potential to (1) make me want to murder you, (2) make me feel self-conscious and uncomfortable or (3) make you look like an ignorant jerk.

Anyway....

I let that one well-meaning but completely out of line question from a stranger tear me down and almost ruin our evening. Thankfully, I moved past it as quickly and gracefully as I could and we had a really fun night dancing together and enjoying our night away but I had given so much power to everyone and everything outside of my control that I forgot how much stronger I am than that.

I projected so many negative feelings onto my husband during this time, convincing myself that he felt these same things about me I felt about myself. I subconsciously wanted to shut him out of this inner struggle I was having. Men tend to have a habit of trying to fix things when we just need them to feel things with us. With good intentions, he would suggest things I could do or try to help motivate me or something. I took this as pressure from him rather than support because I felt so self-conscious. My problems weren't because I had a lack of knowledge about how to solve them, they were all about me getting in my own way.

I've honestly been incredibly happy being a mother and everything that's gone on in our lives this past year or so, but this inner struggle was going on the whole time in the background and it was stealing some of my joy.

I think back in May, Jonathan and I had a serious talk about a lot of things and we got a lot of this out into the open. I really let him in on how I'd been feeling and we came out of this conversation being much more open and transparent with each other about a lot of things. I was able to let go of all these things I'd convinced myself he was feeling and from there, I felt like I could open up more about all of this and knew he was there for support in any way. I had been having this inner struggle for a while and was trying to fight it on my own. When I finally opened up about my feelings and struggles, it was almost like a weight was lifted off my shoulders and I could see everything more clearly.

By June, something had really shifted in me and I really felt emotionally strong and capable of staying on track. Somethingjust told me it was time to do this for me. I had just seen my older sister finish a series of weight loss challenges in which she had to check in and share progress on social media. I remember how exciting and motivating that was for me to see. I started thinking about the accountability factor and how I love connecting with people online, how I love sharing with people and how cool it must be to be able to track progress in such a visual way. I'd been getting into a better fitness routine anyway so I went ahead and created an Instagram account specifically for my health and fitness journey. I made it separate from my original account so I didn't flood my friends with post-workout selfies and pictures of food. My goal with this was exercise 4-5 times/week and share a post-workout photo after each and every workout, I also wanted to share healthy meals I was making and anything else that related to my journey. If people wanted to follow along, they were more than welcome and I loved seeing so many friends start to follow along and even better, engage with me!

A few weeks into this journey, as it got closer to Emma's first birthday, I was reflecting a lot on how much I'd struggled just months before and I couldn't put my finger on what had finally clicked for me. Why was I finally able to find such a healthy outlook on all of this? How did I suddenly find a way to stay motivated? How was I finally able to eat more consistently healthy without obsessing so much? Why did I feel such peace with where I was at/how far I have to go/the struggles of getting there?

My answer was this, which I posted on my Instagram account the day before Emma's 1st birthday:

At this time last year, I was in the hospital getting ready to deliver my sweet baby. This body of mine carried a child for 9+ months. This body of mine endured 2+ hours of pushing to get that healthy and happy girl out into the world. This body of mine can do incredible things. I've been thinking lately about what has finally clicked-- why I'm finally able to stay focused and motivated and as a result, finally start to see some real progress. I figured it out. I've been really mean to myself since having Emma. I gained more weight than I should have during pregnancy and didn't stay in shape. My body didn't effortlessly transform back to its pre-baby form. I wanted to want getting my body back to be a top priority, but every time I tried, I was just going through the motions. I was doing it because I HAD to. Because I was disgusted with myself. Because I felt shame. Because I didn't want at several months postpartum for another stranger to ask me when I was due. Something shifted in me recently and I started to do all of this for me, because I love me. I started to do this because I wanted to have something that is just mine. An outlet. A period in the day where I'm not cleaning, cooking or taking care of anyone else. I'm doing this now because my body and mind deserve love. Doing any of this to punish myself for getting to where I was or doing this because I'm expected to is not what's going to give me satisfaction and I'm glad those days are over. I'm being kinder and more patient with myself. I'm enjoying the process where before I could only focus on how far I have to go. Most of all, I'm celebrating and loving my body and the incredible things it can do.

It's truly incredible to me how much your mindset affects everrrything else. How when you decide that you are worthy of your best, you often give it to yourself. How when you stop worrying so much about what others are thinking and focus on making sure you are thinking good thoughts and sending positive vibes, you conquer every battle you've been facing. How it's so much easier to stay on track when you aren't obsessing over what to eat/what not to eat/what exercise you should/shouldn't do and you just do what is right for you in the moment and find a healthy balance between all of it, you see the results you want.

It's now been 3 months since I created that Instagram account and while I won't credit it for the progress I've made recently - physically and mentally, it has been such a an awesome outlet for me to use in this journey. It's also been an incredible motivator being able to look at photos from just a few weeks ago and see how much progress I've made. It's progress I wouldn't necessarily notice otherwise, but having the daily photos to compare has been incredibly helpful!

I'm 20 pounds lighter in the photo on the right but more importantly, I'm stronger, happier, more energetic, more playful, more confident and so much more at peace. Jonathan came in while I was putting the finishing touches on this post and helped me put those comparison photos together. He asked me how much I'd lost since that first photo. I told him it 20 pounds and he left the room without saying a word. He came back in with one of his weights and handed it to me saying "This is how much you've lost. That's incredible." I held the weight for a minute -- actually, I lifted it over my head in defeat because I was being a goofball but it was cool to acknowledge how much I've lost. This has become so much less about the number on the scale and more about feeling good and treating myself good but holding that weight just reminded me how much (physically of course, but more emotionally) I was carrying around before.

It's a vulnerable thing to do putting your emotions and thoughts on the Internet, not to mention sharing photos of the journey (sweaty and unfiltered as they may be), but it's made all of this about so much more than my journey to get healthy. It's made it about community and lifting each other up. It's made it about being open and real about life which isn't the norm with social media at times. It's made it a place of positive vibes when the world is full of a whole lot of negative. It's made it about letting your guard down and letting people in on your journey.

In August, I'd felt like I really found a great balance and routine with exercise and wanted to turn my attention to changing the way I think about food. I'd already made a lot of progress getting my diet more balanced and was more consistent with eating healthy but I wanted to do something more intentional to help me let go of cravings, learn what does good for my body and what I can do without and overall change my outlook on food completely. I started The Whole30 on August 14 and if you follow my Instagram account, I shared a lot of the journey there. I'm planning a big recap post now that it's over, but it's been an incredible experience for me.

No shake program, calorie counting or obsessive fitness routine would have ever gotten me the peace I feel these days. I have a ways to go before I reach my goals and when that time comes, I'll still have work to do to stay there but I'm not thinking so much about all the work I have to do. Instead I'm enjoying the journey and focusing on being true to myself and most of all, good to myself. I still have days where I almost beat myself up for skipping a workout or making a not-so-great food decision but I catch myself now and reign it in. I'm giving myself more grace and being patient with myself. It's a beautiful thing when you can be kind to yourself, laugh at yourself and also have self-discipline and motivation to stay on track. Everything just plays off of each other and you kind of feel on top of the world. At least I do lately.

I don't have all the answers (in case the thousand words above didn't already prove that to you) and I won't ever claim to. I know I'm not the only woman who has struggled with her postpartum body/emotions/etc. so I'm not sharing anything unique here in that sense. I also spent so much time writing this only to nearly avoid sharing it out of fear. Fear of exposing the not-so-pretty, fear of judgment, fear of pity, fear of criticism. 

The thing is, I'm figuring all of this out as I go along, as I know we're all doing. I didn't just share all of that tough stuff up there because I want you to feel sorry for me or because I have any advice to give you. It's the opposite, actually! It's been therapeutic for me to reflect on all of this and share it. If I've been reminded of anything lately, it's that sharing the ups and downs of your journey can be liberating, fun and maybe even inspiring. I want to share more, lift up others more and connect more because sometimes when you open up about your journey and let others in, you let go of what was holding you down.

A Letter to My Husband

Jonathan,

Our world is going to be completely changed at any given moment as we anxiously await Emma's arrival and lately I'm feeling more thankful than ever to God for bringing us together.

I don't claim to have it all figured out and I know you don't, but you are so incredibly prepared to become a daddy despite all the unknowns. You are fearless. Life as we know it is about to be turned upside down and you are so ready and willing to face everything that entails with so much confidence and excitement that I know for certain I couldn't have found a more perfect person to spend my life with -- to raise a family with.

Our journey to get pregnant didn't go quite like we thought it would when we started out, yet during that time, so many of your special qualities shined through only making me more excited to one day see you become a father. We couldn't have predicted how long it would take and we certainly wouldn't have predicted the heartbreak we would experience in the meantime, but we grew in our faith together during that time and I couldn't count the times I thanked God for your patience, strength and unwavering faith.

One of my favorite things about you is that that you are completely yourself no matter the circumstance. You say what's on your mind and you do what comes naturally without thinking of what people will think or what someone might say. Sometimes that means I'm shaking my head because you said or did something totally goofy or embarrassing, but this is one thing I would never change about you. You are so genuine and unapologetically you and I pray to God that Emma gets this quality from you.

You are the hardest working person I know and what's even more remarkable is your attitude toward the work you do. Despite the long hours you put in or the stress you're under, you never lose your focus, motivation and genuinely positive attitude. You're constantly striving to improve, grow and find new ways to challenge yourself. Everything you're doing and everything you've done has helped set us up for all our dreams to come true. You're providing for our family and giving me the greatest gift by making it so that I can be home with our sweet baby girl. You never stop thinking about what's best for our family and I'm truly proud and blessed to have such a strong, supportive and hardworking man to share my life with. Our children will learn these values from you by the example you set and I am so thankful for that.

We've talked a lot about how lucky we've been in that I've had such a relatively easy pregnancy for me. You tell me you brag to everyone about how we haven't skipped a beat - how being pregnant hasn't made me act any differently and you've had it so easy. All I can say is that you give me so much grace which I'm thankful for. Even I can admit I've been a little moody and perhaps hard to deal with at times, but you somehow are blind to all of that. So blind to it that I have to laugh because even I don't understand how you see me in such a perfect light. I do agree that I've been extremely lucky and pregnancy has overall been a joy for me but it has a lot to do with the support and love that I feel from you.

A while back you jokingly asked if I was going to forget all about you once the baby came. I, of course, said "never." I told you we're the reason for all of this. The life we're building - the cat, the dog, the baby and future babies - it's all because we were brought together and these are all extensions of us and this incredible love we have. Our children will grow up seeing how much their parents love each other. They'll grow up seeing what a healthy relationship is and should be. They'll watch as we work as a team, laugh at ourselves, build each other up, pray for each other and for others and they will know without a doubt that their parents are madly in love.

Knowing that Emma could arrive any day now, I've been reflecting a lot on the past several months because somehow it feels like this pregnancy has lasted forever but also flew by at the same time. We'll never be first time parents ever again and there are things about the last several months I don't ever want to forget.

I don't want to forget the first time you felt Emma kick. It was just before 6 a.m. and as we hit the snooze on our alarms like we always do, you rolled over and put your arm around my waist like you always do and there it was. An unmistakable kick and you got so excited and I was so excited for you to finally feel what I'd been feeling. I didn't want that moment to end. Since then, there have been countless kicks and somersaults you've been there to feel and every one of them has been such a joy for me to experience with you.

I don't ever want to forget all of our daydreaming about what Emma will be like and what life will look like once she's here. Me telling you I hope she has your eyelashes and your laugh. You telling me you hope she has my blue eyes and my sweetness. You arguing your case why Emma should sleep next to your side of the bed because you want to get to her first in the middle of the night. The comfort I feel knowing that even through the exhaustion, the hormones, the frustration or not so joyful moments we may face as new parents, I will be able to count on your patience, sense of humor and "it's all going to be okay" attitude to give me whatever I need in the moment to make it better.

I don't ever want to forget how you wanted to build Emma's crib and I laughed saying maybe a less crucial piece of furniture like a bookshelf would be a better place to start. I don't want to forget the moments you've shown me more patience, grace and love than I could ever need. I've been uncomfortable, emotional, exhausted and at times, completely irrational but no matter which of those it was, you've given me nothing but love and done whatever you could to make it better. There hasn't been a day since I met you where I didn't feel loved by you, but through this pregnancy I have felt your love and support so intensely. I'm so grateful.

I don't ever want to forget the calm and simple state of our life right now. We will get into a new routine and we'll love that, too, but this simple time where it's just us and a cat and dog is running out and I'm trying to soak it in before it's gone for good.

Soon, very soon, all of the things we've been day dreaming about are going to be happening. I won't need to imagine how strong and supportive you will be during labor because we'll living it. I won't need to think about what an incredible father you're going to be because I'll be in awe as I watch you live it. We won't need to make predictions about what Emma will be like because in no time she'll be a part of our lives as if she'd always been and we'll be soaking in every little thing about her.

When we first started dating, we made a promise to each other to always lift each other up; to always be positive for each other. I think we've both held up our end of the deal and as we prepare to become parents in a few days, I'm thankful we can always count on each other for that. We are blessed beyond belief to be living our dream together and I can't wait to experience what's next with you.

Love,
Me