To the Woman Trying to Conceive

Making the decision to try for a child is huge and once you've made that decision, you may learn that just because you're ready, doesn't necessarily mean it's going to happen for you according to your timeline. You just might get pregnant that first month of trying but you also might have a long road ahead and perhaps even experience some major heartbreak along the way.

There aren't many things that make the up and downs of trying to conceive any easier, but I know through our journey, I appreciated having people I could relate to, people I could open up to without hearing the usual advice or judgment, people who could provide the kind of support I needed.

I have a few women in my life going through or have recently been through this and as I've spoken with them, I've really tried to stray away from saying the things that frustrated me when we were trying to conceive. The truth is, I don't have any helpful advice for any woman trying to get pregnant, no matter what they've experienced or how long they've been trying because I've been there. No advice in the world makes it easier to wait patiently for something you are so incredibly ready for.

With that being said, here's what I will say to the woman who is trying:

It's okay to not be okay. There is this weird pressure from society that comes with trying to get pregnant. Sharing any disappointment, impatience, frustration seems to be immediately shut down by anyone you're talking to about it. You get the usual responses basically telling you to stop stressing about it, to not overthink it, to stay positive and my least favorite, "Relax! You've only been trying for a few months." Just because today I'm feeling disappointed and frustrated, doesn't mean I'm stressing out or whining about it and I hated feeling like I wasn't allowed to just be sad some days. I started to feel like I was better off either not sharing at all, or saying something fake and overly positive to avoid the whole situation. The thing is, through our whole journey I never lost faith. I knew it would happen for us and I truly trusted God's timing, but that doesn't mean I didn't have days where I just felt sad, disappointed, frustrated. Don't feel like you can't have a bad day every now and then. Don't lose hope, but don't feel like you have to be okay all the time.

On that note, feel what you're feeling and don't apologize for it. I've been there. One day you're feeling at peace, hopeful, optimistic and the next you're discouraged, anxious and fearful that this is not going to happen for you. It's unrealistic to expect yourself to be positive all the time especially when you've just taken another pregnancy test only for it to be negative, again.

Stop comparing your journey. Maybe you've only been trying for 6 months and you feel discouraged but you talk yourself out of feeling sad because some women try for years or some women aren't able to get pregnant at all. Stop it. It's good to keep things in perspective because there is always someone who has it worse. Everyone's journey is different and yes, there is usually someone going through something worse than you but that doesn't make your current feelings any less valid. Break the habit of comparison now because there is no peace to be found there.

Be sad if you need to be sad, but find a way to be happy for others. I deleted this one, then added it back in because even typing it, I remember how much, much easier said than done this is. Especially these days with social media, it seems the same day you've had another negative pregnancy test is the same day all of your Facebook friends are announcing they're pregnant or posting photos of their adorable newborn baby. I'd be telling a big fat lie if I said that when we were trying, seeing these things didn't make my heart hurt a little bit. At the end of the day, though, being bitter toward someone else doesn't make your pain any less of a reality. Try to remove your personal pain from the situation and find a way to be happy for others and remember that these people have also tried, waited, prayed for this child and may have faced their own challenges along the way.

The last thing I would tell you is certainly the toughest truth to accept, in my opinion, but even if you feel like you are in control, just keep reminding yourself of this: you are not. This is a harsh reality and it was for us, too! Jonathan and I are planners by nature and when we decided we were ready for a baby, we expected it to happen easily because we were ready for it. I can't imagine many people go into TTC thinking it will be a difficult or long journey. With the apps and tools available to us these days, it's easy to feel like we've done everything correctly to make it happen and when it doesn't, we are confused, angry, frustrated. I constantly had to remind myself that God was in control and what was harder, was that I had to remind myself that it wasn't my job to understand His plan. I just had to trust Him. I failed at this a lot and I still do in some aspects, but I do think if you keep this in mind, it will give you strength and peace when you need it most.

Like I said, I don't have any groundbreaking advice to share with you and I know all too well that another piece of advice is the last thing you want to hear. I guess I just want you to know that you're not alone. You're not alone for feeling disappointed, frustrated, confused or impatient at any point on this journey. I want you to know you don't have to live up to anyone's expectations of how you should deal with whatever comes throughout the process. I also want you to know that as hard as it might seem to believe at times, God is faithful and you are stronger than you think you are. I also want to tell you that your day is coming and whatever you went through to get to that day will have prepared you for what's next.

The one where we found out we were pregnant

We have our 19 week ultrasound today and I am just a wee bit excited. We haven't gotten a peek at our girl since week 12 which feels like a lifetime ago, so I am really looking forward to 4:00 this afternoon. 

To celebrate almost being halfway through this awesome journey, I thought I'd share the sweet story of how we found out we were pregnant. I always love reading these and I know I'll love looking back on this. 

By the time October came around, I was feeling a little discouraged and if I'm being honest, a little frustrated. I remember telling Jonathan at the beginning of the month that I wanted to take the month off -- not from trying to get pregnant, just from trying so hard to get pregnant. I told him I was out of ovulation sticks and didn't plan on buying any this month. I didn't want to pee on a stick to find out my peak fertility days and I didn't want to open the app on my phone that estimates my fertile window. I wanted a break from trying to control and plan it all. He was completely on board and we went about our business not thinking about it all so much.

As we entered November I was pretty much expecting to be right on schedule as usual and I was okay with it. I was glad we took a break from all that the month before because I needed it and I was okay with the fact that it meant we probably didn't get pregnant in October.

You can imagine my incredibly pleasant surprise when on November 18th, we cried the happiest tears over a positive pregnancy test. It was the day I tried to resist telling Jonathan I think and hope we might be pregnant but couldn't help it and when he told me he felt the same way, I closed my eyes at my desk and silently prayed we were both right this time. It was the day I proceeded to stop at the store on my way home to pick up a few tests telling myself (and knowing it was a lie) that I wouldn't take one until the next day. It was the day I got home from work and quickly talked myself into taking just one test since Jonathan had to run out to meet a client. It was the day we -- okay maybe just I -- stared in disbelief at that pregnancy test and thanked God for teaching us again that when we stop trying to control everything in our lives, we allow ourselves to completely place our trust in Him. 

We were supposed to go on a run when Jonathan got home so I took the test, placed it on the bathroom counter and started getting changed and when I wandered back to the counter and picked it up, I saw a plus sign, put the test down, walked out of the room the back into the bathroom. I picked it up again, squealed with excitement and started pacing around the house wishing Jonathan were in the other room so I could go stop him from whatever he was doing and make him jump for joy with me when I shared our news. The next 30 minutes or so felt like an eternity waiting for him to get home. I went and sat on the front porch. Then I came back inside and took a picture of the positive test on my phone so I could look at it again and again while I waited on the porch in case I started to question whether or not I saw what I think I saw. When he finally got home, the only sneakiness I could handle was handing him my phone with that picture up asking him to read something for me. It took a minute for it to register and when it did, I saw his eyes light up with the same joy and disbelief that I'd been basking in. 

We were just short of a year since our miscarriage and here we were, pregnant again. You would think with the pain of experiencing a miscarriage, I would have been anxious and worried but instead, I felt such peace and hope because if we've learned anything it's that no amount of worrying or planning or fear is going to change the outcome so why not choose joy?

Getting pregnant is just one of many life adventures that went very differently than I'd imagined it would. We could drive ourselves crazy trying to understand why we miscarried in 2014 or why it took some time for us to get pregnant again, but after all the other times God has shown me His plan all along was grander than anything I envisioned for myself, I trust that it's all part of our bigger plan and I'm thankful for not needing to know the why or how behind it all. In November 2014, I can't tell you how many times I looked to Romans 8:18, "I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing to the glory that will be revealed in us" and now more than ever I see just how beautifully true that is. 

Sometimes, it’s Okay to Not Be Okay

A few months ago, I shared news with you all that after months of waiting to heal emotionally and physically from our miscarriage last year, we were able to start trying to get pregnant again. I shared my feelings on how important it was for us to take that time to heal and how I felt hopeful again.

I’m still hopeful and most days I’m still patient in this journey. I have faith we will eventually get pregnant again and it will certainly be something to celebrate. I hear the advice to “not stress about it” and I take it to heart. I know stressing about it and feeling anxious won’t help anything. I am absolutely enjoying life like I should be and not obsessing over the process of trying. With all of that being said, if I’m being honest, I can’t help but allow disappointment and anxiety to creep in at times.

It’s so easy to tell myself not to overthink it – to just keep living life as usual without wondering every month if this is the month, without getting my hopes up every time I feel what I think might be a pregnancy symptom. It’s easy to say that I won’t allow myself to be disappointed when there isn’t a second pink line on the pregnancy test. I tell myself all of these things but the reality is this is all so much easier said than done.

It’s something I never understood until we decided we were ready to start a family. It’s hard to explain. When you’re ready, you’re ready and sometimes it’s difficult to accept when God’s plan for you doesn’t match your own. Do I draw strength from him in the meantime? YES. Do I trust that his timing is always perfect timing? YES. But in the heat of the moment when I’m staring at a negative pregnancy test, I can’t deny the disappointment I feel. I guess that’s normal but I feel like I need to pretend I’m not disappointed and that is hard to do.

I’m typically one to focus on the bright side of things and don’t worry – I still do.

The trying part of trying to get pregnant is obviously never a bad thing if ya know what I mean.

I know it’s possible for us to get pregnant, which is a huge blessing in itself. It happened once; it can happen again.

I know when the time comes, it will be so worth the journey to get there.

I know whether I understand it all the time or not, there is a bigger plan for us than I can comprehend. 

We’ve been given this time in our lives – just the two of us – it will never come again and it is something to be enjoyed.

I am grateful because I know our struggles could be bigger than this. I hear about so many couples who try for years and years…couples who face fertility issues…and sadly couples who flat out are not able to get pregnant. I don’t compare our journey to anyone else but I know there are people out there who are facing struggles we can’t even begin to understand. I certainly don’t celebrate the struggles other couples might be going through, but it reminds me that I could have worse problems than this.

I honestly don’t know what my point is, but I just needed to get this out. Before we decided we were ready to start a family, I never thought twice about what the journey would really be like. I guess you just assume it will happen fairly quickly and then when it takes longer than you imagined and there are a few hiccups along the way, you have to go with it. “Going with it” isn’t always easy though and I think I just needed to remind myself that it’s okay to not be okay with it sometimes.

The Rain on our Parade

I have been working on this post for weeks. I sit down and write a few pieces of this story and I need to put it away for a while until I feel brave again. I am torn between having so much to say and nothing to say at all. I've been praying to find the words. I've been praying for courage and strength. I've been praying for grace.

Guys, I love sharing our joy through writing and blogging, but I don’t want to avoid sharing the not-so-great stuff. I want to share the struggles because they are part of our story.

Recently, I've shared all the joy and celebrating we’ve had over the last few months and there is no doubt that life has been so good to us. What I haven't shared is that in November, it rained on our parade a bit.

We knew early on that we didn't want to wait long before starting a family together after we got married. I want to say it was March or April when we really started trying to get pregnant and on October 21 at about 3:00 in the morning, we were wide awake celebrating the positive pregnancy test we’d been praying for. We were fairly certain we were pregnant and ously couldn’t sleep so I got up at 3 a.m. to take another test. There was no doubt about it – we were officially pregnant and couldn’t have been more thrilled! So thrilled, that I never went back to sleep that night – I was just too over-the-moon excited. I was only 4 weeks along at that point - it was early.

We all know the facts. We know how likely a miscarriage is in the first 12 weeks. But knowing the facts doesn’t make it any easier to cope when it becomes your reality.

Sadly, the day before Thanksgiving at our 8 week appointment, we learned we had lost the baby. We looked at the screen to find the same image we’d seen at our ultrasound 2 weeks earlier - a speck. No heartbeat. Nothing. I knew it as soon as I looked up and I'm certain Jonathan did as well. I laid back listening to him try to make conversation with the ultrasound tech and her staying completely silent until finally saying it out loud to us. I couldn’t even look at Jonathan. I was so heartbroken for him – for us.

I can't compare what I felt at that moment to anything I've ever felt before. Devastation? I don't know. Even devastation doesn't cover it. When you find out your pregnant, it's a time full of such genuine hope and joy. We basked in that joy and hope and in an instant, it was ripped away.

The next day was Thanksgiving, my favorite day of the year. We were supposed to be staying in town and spending the day with Jonathan's grandparents and parents, but I just couldn't bring myself to do anything. I honestly just wanted to hide from the world. My heart was so heavy. I was crushed. I told Jonathan to go ahead without me. I love all of our family, I just didn't have it in me to celebrate.

When Jonathan told me no, that instead he was taking me to my parents' house almost 2 hours away, I was reminded once again of the strong and selfless man I married. The hugs we received from my mom, dad, sisters and brother when we walked in the door did wonders for our broken hearts. Playing board games and laughing with my siblings provided us a much needed distraction from our sadness and when we sat down on my parents' couch after dinner, I looked up at Jonathan with the saddest tears in my eyes and was still able to tell him we have so much to be thankful for. In the midst of my sorrow, I was/am still incredibly aware of the blessings in our life.

In the days and weeks following our sad news, I'm pretty sure I experienced every emotion possible - grief, sadness, peace, frustration, hope, impatience, sometimes all of these in the span of a few hours. I was and still am trying to grieve and heal my heart and that can mean something different for everyone.

I'll be back to share what this journey has been like for us but I think I may have shared enough for today. My heart hurts a bit but writing these words is part of the process for me and it feels good to share our story, even when it isn't all sunshine.