Sometimes, it’s Okay to Not Be Okay

A few months ago, I shared news with you all that after months of waiting to heal emotionally and physically from our miscarriage last year, we were able to start trying to get pregnant again. I shared my feelings on how important it was for us to take that time to heal and how I felt hopeful again.

I’m still hopeful and most days I’m still patient in this journey. I have faith we will eventually get pregnant again and it will certainly be something to celebrate. I hear the advice to “not stress about it” and I take it to heart. I know stressing about it and feeling anxious won’t help anything. I am absolutely enjoying life like I should be and not obsessing over the process of trying. With all of that being said, if I’m being honest, I can’t help but allow disappointment and anxiety to creep in at times.

It’s so easy to tell myself not to overthink it – to just keep living life as usual without wondering every month if this is the month, without getting my hopes up every time I feel what I think might be a pregnancy symptom. It’s easy to say that I won’t allow myself to be disappointed when there isn’t a second pink line on the pregnancy test. I tell myself all of these things but the reality is this is all so much easier said than done.

It’s something I never understood until we decided we were ready to start a family. It’s hard to explain. When you’re ready, you’re ready and sometimes it’s difficult to accept when God’s plan for you doesn’t match your own. Do I draw strength from him in the meantime? YES. Do I trust that his timing is always perfect timing? YES. But in the heat of the moment when I’m staring at a negative pregnancy test, I can’t deny the disappointment I feel. I guess that’s normal but I feel like I need to pretend I’m not disappointed and that is hard to do.

I’m typically one to focus on the bright side of things and don’t worry – I still do.

The trying part of trying to get pregnant is obviously never a bad thing if ya know what I mean.

I know it’s possible for us to get pregnant, which is a huge blessing in itself. It happened once; it can happen again.

I know when the time comes, it will be so worth the journey to get there.

I know whether I understand it all the time or not, there is a bigger plan for us than I can comprehend. 

We’ve been given this time in our lives – just the two of us – it will never come again and it is something to be enjoyed.

I am grateful because I know our struggles could be bigger than this. I hear about so many couples who try for years and years…couples who face fertility issues…and sadly couples who flat out are not able to get pregnant. I don’t compare our journey to anyone else but I know there are people out there who are facing struggles we can’t even begin to understand. I certainly don’t celebrate the struggles other couples might be going through, but it reminds me that I could have worse problems than this.

I honestly don’t know what my point is, but I just needed to get this out. Before we decided we were ready to start a family, I never thought twice about what the journey would really be like. I guess you just assume it will happen fairly quickly and then when it takes longer than you imagined and there are a few hiccups along the way, you have to go with it. “Going with it” isn’t always easy though and I think I just needed to remind myself that it’s okay to not be okay with it sometimes.