A few months ago, I shared news with you all that after
months of waiting to heal emotionally and physically from our miscarriage last
year, we were able to start trying to get pregnant again. I shared my
feelings on how important it was for us to take that time to heal and how I
felt hopeful again.
I’m still hopeful and most
days I’m still patient in this journey. I have faith we will eventually get
pregnant again and it will certainly be something to celebrate. I hear the
advice to “not stress about it” and I take it to heart. I know stressing about
it and feeling anxious won’t help anything. I am absolutely enjoying life like I
should be and not obsessing over the process of trying. With all of that being
said, if I’m being honest, I can’t help but allow disappointment and anxiety to
creep in at times.
It’s so easy to tell myself not to overthink it – to just
keep living life as usual without wondering every month if this is the month,
without getting my hopes up every time I feel what I think might be a pregnancy
symptom. It’s easy to say that I won’t allow myself to be disappointed when
there isn’t a second pink line on the pregnancy test. I tell myself all of
these things but the reality is this is all so much easier said than done.
It’s something I never understood until we decided we were
ready to start a family. It’s hard to explain. When you’re ready, you’re ready
and sometimes it’s difficult to accept when God’s plan for you doesn’t match
your own. Do I draw strength from him in the meantime? YES. Do I trust that his
timing is always perfect timing? YES. But in the heat of the moment when I’m
staring at a negative pregnancy test, I can’t deny the disappointment I feel. I
guess that’s normal but I feel like I need to pretend I’m not disappointed and
that is hard to do.
I’m typically one to focus on the bright side of things and
don’t worry – I still do.
The trying part of
trying to get pregnant is obviously never a bad thing if ya know what I mean.
I know it’s possible for us to get pregnant, which is a huge
blessing in itself. It happened once; it can happen again.
I know when the time comes, it will be so worth the journey
to get there.
I know whether I understand it all the time or not, there is
a bigger plan for us than I can comprehend.
We’ve been given this time in our
lives – just the two of us – it will never come again and it is something to be
enjoyed.
I am grateful because I know our struggles could be bigger
than this. I hear about so many couples who try for years and years…couples who
face fertility issues…and sadly couples who flat out are not able to get
pregnant. I don’t compare our journey to anyone else but I know there are
people out there who are facing struggles we can’t even begin to understand. I
certainly don’t celebrate the struggles other couples might be going through,
but it reminds me that I could have worse problems than this.
I honestly don’t know what my point is, but I just needed to
get this out. Before we decided we were ready to start a family, I never
thought twice about what the journey would really be like. I guess you just
assume it will happen fairly quickly and then when it takes longer than you
imagined and there are a few hiccups along the way, you have to go with it. “Going
with it” isn’t always easy though and I think I just needed to remind myself
that it’s okay to not be okay with it sometimes.
